Forgotten Little Things
by Running Thunder
Summary: History travels in strange and twisted circles.  Follow the friends of Naruto as they brave hookers, perverts, and forbidden village secrets in an attempt to discover his past.
1. Song of the Snake

**I don't own the characters. Wish I did, but that never really got me anywhere.**

**This is going to be a short chapter that serves as a prologue. Before Naruto came into the picture I needed to explain a couple things about Iruka. This story is going to be about rediscovering the past; since I'm inventing a new back story the least I could do is share it. Hope you enjoy. **

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Song of the Snake

"Ninja are tools of war; we exist to destroy," he finished in an ominous whisper, concluding inspirational speech #3 for the fifth time this week.

Anko hung on every word; staring at sensei as if he held the answer to the universe. _He's a genius of geniuses, so smart and strong and handsome. I can't believe he's our teacher; __the__ legendary sannin himself._

Shinto was not far from behind his teammate, omitting the handsome bit from his thought process. He was an orphaned ninja from the west end projects who was two months behind on rent; he did not need to add sexual identity crisis to his list of problems thank-you-very-much. Whoever said that teenagers would make good ninja should be used for target practice. Eight year olds, maybe. They were already vicious little bastards. But as a teenager he had to work twice as hard as the little brats to be taken seriously. Sure, he could brood with the best of them, but how embarrassing was it when he was trying to interrogate that Iwa nin and his voice jumped like eight octaves higher than it should ever be. Almost worse than the time Anko got her first period (aka. THE CONVERSATION THAT SHALL NEVER BE SPOKEN OF AGAIN) Although watching Orochimaru-sensei trying to purchase 'feminine products' in the nearby village was possibly the funniest thing he had ever seen in his entire life. It was in that moment that he realized sensei was the strongest, bravest (and towards the end of the conversation, scariest) shinobi to ever walk the earth. And he was going to grow up to be just like him.

Iruka just rolled his eyes as he flipped his notebook closed. Final tally had him at 17 cliché remarks, 8 sentences that could technically be construed as treasonous, and oddly enough, a reference to that new porn book that was taking Konoha by storm: Icha-Icha something-or-other. And that was just today.

Umino Iruka was an unusual boy in a number of ways. He was a seven year old genin assigned to a 'heavy assault type' three man cell with two chuunin as teammates and, as he was beginning to suspect, a complete psychopath for a jounin instructor. People who knew him found him strange because they expected him a complete head case like all the other 'young prodigy' ninja. But despite lack of parents, clan, good role-models, a stable environment, and any sort of normalcy, Iruka was a perfectly well adjusted child. It freaked people out. While Anko was licking blood off kunai suggestively and Shinto was indulging his inner pyromaniac on a nearby tree, Iruka was sitting quietly on a park bench making up his grocery list for next week and trying to figure out how to properly divide up his paycheck (he wasn't so great at math). No one really took the time to figure it out though; Team Orochimaru was probably best just left alone to do whatever the hell they did.

In hindsight, this would prove to be a mistake.

As it turned out, Iruka was also very different in another way but most people missed it because they were too busy staring at the more colorful members of the team. Iruka did not hero-worship, admire, have a crush on, or even really trust his teacher. He thought differently than most people so when he watched his sensei fight he didn't stare at the mind bending taijutsu or awesome ninjutsu attacks, he only watched Orochimaru's eyes.

What he saw in them_ freaked him out_. He knew that there was going to be a day his teacher stopped pretending to respect moral codes and people were going to die because of it. So he took notes and watched carefully and tried to convince Anko and Shinto that he was on to something.

His words fell on deaf ears.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Today we're going to skip training. I've got something important to show you."

"What is that sensei?"

"It's the base for a seal I've developed. It will augment your chakra and enhance the physical output. With these you'll easily surpass the last generation of shinobi. The strength of this team will be unmatched." He smiled in a way that was not entirely natural. "People will respect and fear the name Orochimaru."

Iruka absently noticed that he left off the 'team' part of their group name.

"Cool. Gimme one sensei! I'll be unstoppable when I master it! I'll kick so much ass –"

"Shut it Shinto; I've got better chakra control, I should get the first one!"

"It's not like you do any serious ninjustu – just snake summons and that crazy taijustu. You can wait. I need it! Can you imagine the fireballs I could conjure with this thing!?!"

"Stop fighting you two, there's enough for all three. But there's a catch; It's going to drain your system for a couple hours so you'll be sitting here until you recover from the stress. I have other matters to take care of but I'll be back for you at nightfall."

"Sensei, do we have to -"

"Yes Iruka. Strength is the way of the shinobi. There are those who do are willing to do anything it takes and there are the others, who die like so much cannon fodder." He turned to look Iruka in the eye. "Which kind are you?"

A pause as his two teammates stared at him from behind Orochimaru's back.

"Yes sensei."

Secluded deep in the remote training ground twelve, Orochimaru applied the first three curse marks he ever made to his students. Iruka was the first and blacked out before Orochimaru moved on to Shinto beside him, screaming in pain.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

He was also the first to wake up. Slowly he moved over to rouse Anko, who had been tied with to a tree near his side some time after he passed out. Shinto took longer to get to; he had been thrown across the field and lay in a small dip in the ground, surrounded by burnt grass. Neither had taken the seal willingly, or quietly. Iruka entertained the brief spiteful thought that Shinto might have managed to burn away some of his sensei's precious hair before he was caught and held down, if the faint sour smell in the air was any indication.

Anko looked like she had a hangover but was otherwise alright. Shinto was not. Iruka managed to rouse him only to have him mutter incoherently and barf all over his shoes. After a bit of confusion and misplaced elbows he lifted Shinto onto his back and motioned for Anko to follow. The new tattoo on his back, right where his neck met shoulders, twinged painfully.

Somewhere in the back of his head, behind the pounding headache, he realized that the day Orochimaru stopped pretending had come.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Two days later Shinto was dead. He had an adverse reaction and, beyond the half awakened state he had managed back at the training ground, he never regained consciousness. A day after that, Anko and Iruka were called into the Hokage's office.

"This is a serious matter. I read your debriefing reports and realize that there is nothing you could have done to stop him. But you both failed to warn any of us of what Orochimaru had become. Three days ago he escaped with forbidden scrolls of greater demon summoning and soul transference. He is possibly the worst person to possess such secret arts. Shinobi of the Leaf, you have failed your Hokage."

Here, he stopped for a moment, bowing his head before facing the two ninja again.

"And here, I must apologize. In my heart I knew what he was and I gave him a team in the hope that it might save him. I have done this at the cost of another, and undoubtedly countless more in the future. I am sending a team to retrieve the scrolls; they cannot be copied so once they are destroyed the knowledge will be lost to him. But with the scrolls destroyed or not, I will still have failed the village of Konohagakure; the damage he caused to your team still cannot be undone."

He looked out of the window, eyes fixed on a passing cloud.

"Mirashi Anko, I have approved your request to accompany the retrieval mission on the assumption that you have a unique insight into his character and knowledge of his safe houses; that should assist in tracking him and completing mission quickly. If the team finds your performance acceptable, you will be reassigned to them and placed back on the front lines. Umino Iruka, you are field promoted to the rank of chuunin and ordered to report to the academy, where you will get a crash-course in preparing the new generation of genin for the war with Iwa. You are dismissed."

They both stood, bowed politely to the Sandaime and left quietly. No one mentioned the tears in Anko's cold, hardened eyes.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Anko surpassed all expectations. Unfortunately Orochimaru jumped bodies before she could shove a kunai in his neck, confirming that he had time to learn one of the forbidden techniques. After destroying the two scrolls, she followed her new team into battle and made a name for herself; acting just as crazy as she always did. There was nothing a kunai, a summon, and some dango couldn't cure. Sometimes a little alcohol helped.

_And when they called her "Snake Bitch" she didn't give a damn because who cares if they remember that her sensei was that bastard, that her teammate was – no, don't go there. _

The nickname was a badge of honor that she earned through countless battles and kills and she learned to wear it proudly. Like Hatake "Sharingan" Kakashi and Kazama "Yellow Flash" Arashi; they were scared of her because she was _smart and strong and beautiful_ and in the end, she survived.

Iruka's students weren't really anything special when they were finally pushed into the field. But they had good heads on their shoulders, tended to a bit stronger and a little faster than the rest, and, more importantly, they had a good heart. Perhaps this is why they had a 250 percent higher survival rate than the other freshly graduated genin.

At seventeen the war was over, the fox was sealed, the fourth was dead, and everyone had forgotten that he was Orochimaru's student save for a Hokage, a sociopath sannin, and a newly promoted tokubetsu jounin. And by the ripe old age of eighteen Iruka had perfected his legendary 'teacher temper' and had come into his 'mother hen' personality. The problem (again) was that Iruka was normal, therefore had no hidden depths. Therefore no one wondered exactly what kind of formidable ninja would have been able to keep up with the heavy hitters of the (now defunct) Team Orochimaru at the tender age of seven; or how good he had to be, exactly, to teach dozens of classes of screaming ten, eleven, and twelve year old ninja brats from the age of eight (and teach them well, which is no small feat). People generally dismissed him.

In hindsight, this would prove to be a mistake.


	2. Collision Course

Collision Course

Six year old Uzumaki Naruto was cold, wet, tired, and hungry. This was not a new state of affairs for the boy. If anything, life was looking up. No broken bones and no villagers around to give them to him. Yeah, he had it made.

Except, it was getting kind of dark.

O.k. So he had a couple problems but nothing he couldn't handle. He was Uzamaki Naruto (self named at the age of four and five ninths) and it's not like he was some wussy who would go crying back to mommy if something got tough.

Except, he didn't have a mommy, and the matronly caretaker at the orphanage hated his guts.

Didn't matter though. He was tough and strong and pathetic enough looking that he could beg. And if he kept his head covered with his ragged scarf and pulled goggles down over his eyes they wouldn't recognize him. And if they did, what the hell, he was good at stealing stuff; and even better at running away.

_But he really hated running away._ When he was grown up he was going to be a ninja; the best ninja in the village. And he would stand up in front of everyone and fight and never have to run away again and every one of them would respect him and nod their head when he entered a room like they did with that old man who visits sometimes –

He stopped thinking altogether when he bumped into someone and fell on his ass. The stranger looked down, the soft light of a receding sun glancing off the surface of a Konoha Leaf hai-te.

"_Oh shit."_

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Swearing, as it turned out, was not necessary.

Neither was kicking the stranger in the shins, turning, and running as fast as he could in the opposite direction before he got beat up by a ninja for killing his friend or father or girlfriend or whatever. People seemed to be constantly confusing him with some sort of pint sized psycho named 'fox'. That was why he came up with a name that wasn't 'monster' or 'demon'; to cut down on the mistaken identity. Didn't work so well though. The first (and last) time he tried to explain that he was Uzumaki Naruto and not this 'kyuubi' character, they just punched harder.

The academy teacher, reacting on instinct, grabbed the kid by the scruff of his dirty collar; and then also by the seat of his pants when the urchin tried to wriggle out of his oversized shirt. After a few minutes the kid relaxed in his grip, hung his head, and sighed with the defeated air of a realist; he wasn't getting out of this one.

"Okay fine. Get it over with already. But when I grow up and become Hokage I am so going to kick your ass!!!" he finished, waving his fist in the air.

It was not the most auspicious start to what would become a wonderful and life changing relationship, but it would have to do.

Iruka had lost more than his fair share of friends and students to the Kyuubi no Kitsune. By some miracle of God (or otherwise) Anko had survived and only spent three months in recovery, though she did end up loosing three toes on her left foot. And like any halfway decent ninja, he did observe the telltale whisker marks, spiky yellow hair, and brilliant blue eyes under the mud and grime (though it took some doing). But, like any halfway decent _person_, he took a second to really look at the kid.

Old clothes, torn brown scarf wrapped around his neck; torn skin on his knees and elbows that had almost healed over. Faint tint of purple bruise over his brow, overshadowed by a pair of beat up goggles holding back his hair; this kid was probably used to getting pounded, but he still fought back. And what was that thing about being Hokage? Where was that coming from? If I were him I'd probably just take it, then as soon as I was old enough, run as far away from Konoha as I could get.

_I like him, he's got character. . . . or something. _He amended as he looked over the fidgeting six year old.

And it was as simple as that for one Umino Iruka, ordinary ninja extraordinaire. This kid had something others didn't; how everyone else had missed it was a mystery. Definitely not the demon re-incarnated; unless there were a bunch of bloody bodies somewhere he had missed. He casually glanced down the narrow alley next to them (just to make sure) before turning back to the demon vessel, who had started to glare at him suspiciously.

"What's your name kid?"

The kid stared back at him like he was asking a trick question, them grudgingly answered.

"Uzumaki Naruto."

"You got a place to stay?"

"You going to beat me up?"

"No."

". . .no, I don't."

"Then you can stay at my place until you get on your feet. Follow me; I live the next block over." At which point, he started walking again.

Naruto was hesitant to follow. Sure he was cold, wet, tired, and hungry but if this guy was a pedophile he would have to add a couple more lines to the list of 'things I wished I had never experienced'; right up there between having his existence (humanity) denied by just about everyone he met and drinking that chunky milk that one time. So he decided to test the guy and called out to the retreating back.

"Hey, you a pervert or somethin'?"

Iruka froze, and slowly turned, and shot an incredulous stare back at the blonde.

"NO!"

Good enough.

"I'll come with you. But only until I find a place to stay. And if you touch me weird I'll bite off your fingers."

"Deal."

For a moment Iruka was afraid he had made a mistake; that it was better to just let the authorities handle the urchin. But really, the system must have screwed up somewhere if he was out here in the first place and what was the problem with him spending a couple of nights? No problem at all really. Then he stopped thinking as, in a single instant, the kid's face was illuminated in the passing glare of a streetlamp and he saw Naruto trying to suppress a wide, hopeful grin that maybe he found a person who didn't hate him and believed him when he said his name was Uzumaki Naruto and maybe, possibly, might love him someday. Some little part of him that had frozen over when Shinto died and Anko decided to go nuts (more than she had been at least) thawed again. _Time to start a new life Iruka; and you can start with a family. _He glanced back at Naruto. _A very loud, obnoxious, scrawny family to be exact._

"Oi Naruto! You ever had ramen?"

"No; what's that?"

"Only the best food in the world. Hurry up and I promise to make you as much as you want."

"Really?" 'As much as you want' was a new and interesting concept.

"Aa. I never take back what I say. It's my way of the ninja."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Naruto had been living in Iruka's apartment for a few months when they were both summoned into the Hokage's office. The Sandaime informed them that he had found a place for Naruto to live and would "have those two nice ANBU standing right behind you help you move" if any assistance was needed. Iruka and Naruto turned quickly, surprised to find two silent, hulking mountains of 'special tactics' shinobi dwarfing them as they sat in the guest chairs in front of the desk. They both turned back just as quickly and politely declined the offer before making a hasty exit.

"Bet he did that to get me back for calling him 'old man' again."

"Probably. Not like we can do anything about it."

"Speak for yourself. I managed to snitch his porn mags when you and he were making small talk. Say hello to the best blackmail material in Konoha."

Iruka would usually take the opportunity to blush, look mortally offended, then hit the troublemaker over the head for a) stealing b) trying to blackmail the Hokage and c) thumbing through said magazines as they walked along.

However, he was still a bit pissed off at the man for failing to place Naruto in a safe environment, not to mention trying to intimidate him for snorting at the 'old man' jibe. Like those muscle bound morons would be able to lift a finger after getting caught in the traps that Iruka could set up. All he'd need is some nin-wire, a door knocker, three kunai, one of those little glass bottles of ink, and a pair of toenail clippers and they'd be going down. If the Hokage had thought his traps were fantastically, terrifyingly genius before (the primary reason he was placed with his former heavy combat cell), he was in for a surprise. Fourteen years of teaching ninja brats had honed his expertise in the field; at this point he had achieved a sort of untouchable level he wasn't sure he could really improve on. God help Konoha if he ever decided to start actually setting them up again. Iruka was normal enough, but as previously evidenced, he _thought_ in a completely separate way. There was no warning, no chance at escape; there was only the before and _the after_.

Fortunately Iruka valued his hard earned reputation as 'normal person' too much to do anything. Naruto, however, needed an outlet. Eventually all those cold stares and colder words would get to him and he would snap like every other child forced too endure too much, too soon. _Or God forbid, he'd turn out like that Kakashi character who was always late and lazy and was constantly reading porn. . . wait a minute!_

He swiped the dirty book from Naruto and hit him over the back of the head with it.

"Ow! What was that for!?!"

"Don't read porn, it's bad for you. And don't steal. And BLACKMAIL THE HOKAGE!?! What were you thinking!?! Is that anyway for a ninja to act!!?!"

"But I'm not -"

"IF YOU WANT TO BE A NINJA YOU NEED TO SET AN EXAMPLE!!!"

"Hey Iruka." Anko waved as she passed by in fishnets, miniskirt, high-heels and not much else.

Iruka and Naruto were still and silent until she rounded the corner. Then Iruka turned and started walking quickly towards the exit and, presumably, home. When Naruto caught up he had his patented shit-eating grin on his face. He opened his mouth, at which point Iruka cut him off.

"Not a word."

The mouth closed but the smile remained.

……………………………………………………………………………………………...

Later that day Naruto and the six articles of clothing he owned, as well as some of the old shirts and pants he had been borrowing from Iruka, were neatly folded and placed in the beat-up dresser that sat against the wall. He had ended up in one of the west end industrial apartment complexes, about a block away from Shinto's old place. The Hokage sprung for a sturdy bed, sturdier locks, and an absolutely ironclad insurance policy (particularly generous in matters pertaining to destruction of property) in addition to a monthly allowance for food and clothes and soap and whatever else Naruto might need.

It was almost too good to be true. He had the old man who was going to watch out for him and Iruka, who was the first person to ever really care, and they had put up with him for a long time so they probably weren't going anywhere and if they tried he wouldn't get away without a fight –

. . .and there was a creepy masked guy sitting outside his window staring a him.

That was new. _Wonder if he comes with the apartment._

He wasn't doing anything; just sort of hunched on a nearby telephone pole staring at him through the eyes of a weasel mask. _What did old man call them? Oh yeah, ANBU._ Eh, whatever. If ANBU-san wanted to perch on a power coupling like some overgrown vulture, more power to him.

He ducked into the kitchen.

On the table sat a case of instant ramen and a bunch of those vegetable things (from Iruka for a house-warming present) and he _just couldn't wait_ for the water to boil. He was making enough for exactly three cups of the chicken noodles (he had developed a precise science of ramen preparation and consumption shortly after moving in with Iruka). Like clockwork the teapot whistled and he quickly poured out the perfect amount into each waiting cup. Ramen was not something you mess around with.

The mask shifted slightly to follow him as he sat down at the kitchen table (only two chairs because it was still cramped and why would he ever need more than two anyway?). It was during the pause where he was wiping his mouth off and getting ready to tackle cup #2 when he heard a faint rumbling noise through the half open window. He looked up to see the serious ANBU still staring.

Naruto wasn't an idiot but he wasn't intimidated either. ANBU were the 'big bad' of ninja; you just did not mess with them. But Naruto had seen things and _had things done to him_ in his short life that a lot of other people, adults even, had never and will never be able to understand. The implied threat of ANBU was scary, but not quite as scary as being an undernourished five year old backing away from an angry drunk. If ANBU wanted to kill you, they would. It would be quick and it would be a conscious decision and not some meaningless act of confused anger.

It also helped that the stomach of this particular ANBU was growling. It made it hard to take him too seriously.

Making a quick decision, Naruto grabbed cups #2 and #3 and climbed out through his kitchen window onto a tile overhang roof for the apartment bellow his. He walked carefully over to a ledge, braced himself against a rusty drainpipe and held out the second cup.

"Do you like ramen, ANBU-san?"

The mask stared at him impassively before taking up the proffered cup and chopsticks and carefully fitting small bites of noodle through the mouth slit in the mask. The two ate in silence until the ninja handed back the cup and chopsticks and nodded once, in thanks.

Naruto's smile lit his face like the sun.

"Anytime, ANBU-san!"

And with that he ducked back into the tiny kitchen and started putting away the rest of the supplies.

Uchiha Itachi had never actually had ramen before since it was not a healthy food, merely cheap. Therefore it was an inappropriate food for him as a ninja, and as an Uchiha scion. He liked the taste though; it was more salty than the dishes that his clan traditionally served and it had some other spices that he couldn't identify mixed in. Better yet, it had almost no redeeming nutritional value. _It was good_. Maybe the Hokage was right in assigning this mission. He had been chasing perfection since he could walk; a nice relaxing guard job should be a good chance to take a break from the pressure.

_Most of it anyway_.

He thought back to his father's warning this morning. He still couldn't believe he would breach such a strict law to simply (as far as he could tell) rant about the 'demon child'. The kid looked fine to him. A little less self-preservation instinct than most five year olds and a sort of quiet intensity behind his eyes if you looked closely; like an abuse victim that had refused to move on to the cave-in-and-let-them-break-your-spirit stage. If that was really the nine-tails there would be a lot more dead bodies. Casually, he glanced over down the neighboring alley to check. _It's not paranoia, it just that you can never be too careful. _

"Hey ANBU-san! Did you know you hair looks like a girl's? It's long and silky; how're you supposed to play big bad ninja when you have to primp before a misson?"

Itachi cracked what might have been a smile. He might actually enjoy this job; or be as close to enjoying something as he ever manages. _Wonder what I'd have to do to get another cup of ramen._

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"So. . . orange?"

"Apparently 'the only color they had in bulk'. Plus I had this great idea. I go around town in 'kill me orange' and make a spectacle of myself then everyone _knows_ I'm that annoying blonde kid who everyone hates and all I wear is bright orange all the time then I become sort of synonymous with the color, right?

". . .right. . ."

"So then when people see this cute little kid with an adorable little scarf and bandana and sunglasses and clothes in muted black and blues no-way he's that Uzumaki kid 'cause there's no orange, right?

". . . right. . ."

"So of course, cute little kid X gets better deals on food and kunai and nin-wire and _not orange _clothes, right?"

Suspicious glance.

"Go back to the kunai and nin-wire."

"Hey, if I'm going to be a ninja I need to get serious, with serious equipment. The old man said he was sticking me in the academy next month so I need to start taking this seriously."

Iruka unleashed the 'hard teacher stare' combined with 'eyes demanding truth' and observed, "You just said serious three times in two sentences you know."

He fidgeted a bit before giving in.

"I know, I need to work on lying. I found the binder stuffed with all your old notes on ninja trap and prank techniques and it looked like something I really wanted to do. Better yet, something I'd be good at. What better way for me to get everyone to acknowledge my existence and get back at them at the same time. It's a totally harmless outlet; no blood or gore or anything. All I need to do is replace a couple fuuma shuriken with paint balloons; and these poisoning techniques would work just as well with your garden variety laxative. And no way can you let all this tracking, spying, and infiltration experience go to waste. I am so your guy for this."

"How long have you been preparing that speech?"

"Since last month. Guessed you would figure it out after I messed with the coffee in the administration building next week. By the way, what's your position on LSD?"

". . . for you?"

"For the coffee."

A short but decisive pause.

"No hallucinogens for active duty ninja. Mess with the percolator in the admin. staff break room. It's getting time to replace it anyway."

Naruto jumped up and tackled Iruka.

"THANKYOUThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou. . ."

Looking down at the blonde who was still tightly attached to his midrift, he couldn't bring himself to regret his decision. He knew he was probably setting himself up for years of Naruto related migraines, but pranking _was_ a better outlet than killing or going insane or, god forbid, addiction to porn. And he had a feeling that Naruto would need it in the coming months, if the hints the Hokage was dropping were any indication. He wanted Naruto to learn the truth,_the whole truth, _about the kyuubi sooner rather than later; probably before he entered the academy. He was a smart boy and would figure it out if they didn't tell him; it would be a tragedy if he was forced to learn only bits and pieces on his own.

Besides, Naruto was a good person to pass all this on to. He was like him; he thought a different way than most other people. And he was strange in the way that he's a perfectly well adjusted kid (flying in the face of all known laws of psychology). If not for the fact that everyone thought he was a demon, he would probably be that same freaky sort of normal that Iruka had maintained in the midst of the drama of his old team.

_Or perhaps not _he amended as Naruto bounced to his feet, dragged up Iruka by his arms, and started pulling them around the neat little living room in some sort of swinging dance; spiraling from wall to wall in a unending circle of tightly controlled chaos. _Normal isn't a word I would use._

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"I've lost count of the number of times this door has been replaced. Did you know that when he first moved into the apartment it was bright red? Had this beautiful little door knocker and knob set; cast-iron etched with an ivy design. You usually don't see those kinds of homey touches in this neighborhood. I always wondered what happened to them."

Kakashi elected to remain silent. The Hokage had pulled him aside for 'a walk' after the briefing on the new genin graduates. Eight beggars, two 'shady characters', and a pimp later and they stood facing apartment 35c. He still had no idea what this was about so, as his boss rummaged through his pockets for the keys, he did what he did best: stared straight ahead and zoned out.

"Ah, here it is."

The key turned roughly in the lock and a series of clicks and thuds on the other side signaled the release of a complicated series of deadbolts. The door opened and the men stepped into the living room. Four drab, stained walls framed one beat up couch and one table with an old porn magazine propping up the short leg. _I always wondered where that went._

Kakashi was still confused but refused to ask the question. The Sandaime would get to it in his own time.

"This is the apartment of Uzamaki Naruto, recent graduate on the Konoha Ninja Academy."

_Bingo._

"I brought you here because you are going to be his jounin instructor."

There was only one thought that passed through Kakashi's head and he voiced it.

"Hmm."

He was not the most complicated of thinkers.

The old man resumed.

"He has endured hardship and hatred at every turn. He has failed the genin test three times but never once faltered in his commitment to become a ninja of the Leaf. And despite the fact that he maintains a technically perfect taijutsu style and is more than proficient with standard ninja weapons, he has NEVER harmed a citizen of this village; even in his own defense."

Kakashi had trusted the strength and fortitude of the Yondiame, so believing the current Hokage when he said that the child was not the demon was no great stretch. Besides, if the kid was really the nine-tails, there would be a lot more bodies.

_Were those red stains on the walls?_

He glanced casually as he could towards the largest group of them on his left just to make sure they didn't have that 'death splatter' quality that ANBU were trained to recognize. He could barely make it out, but the painted words 'DIE MONSTER' were apparently too hard to_completely_ scrub off.

"Until now only four people have acknowledged him as a human being, recognized his indomitable spirit and boundless love for his fellow man. You will be so lucky as to become the fifth."

Kakashi turned back to face the Hokage. He was doing that mysterious gazing-out-the-window-at-the-horizon thing again, but he could still see his eyes. Kakashi was a very good ninja, one of the best; so he could tell that they were just a bit sadder and more introspective than other occasions; that deep in the blue recesses there was a glimmer of something like regret over past mistakes. Kakashi knew regret over past mistakes better than most people.

Since it was now his turn to speak, he did.

"He will still need to pass the bell test."

"He will." The Hokage answered; and there was so much confidence in those two words that for a moment, Kakashi could have sworn that he said 'He already has.'

The old man turned and dropped the house keys into Kakashi's open palm on his way out. The copy-nin remained for a time, thinking about the past, present, and a future with team seven; the three twisting around and confusing one with each other as time and bitter memory were want to do. There is no blank-slate start in the real world; Naruto had been born to a bad reputation, and earned one as a prankster and troublemaker. He was a three time dropout 'dead last' but he was apparently good with taijutsu, could do insane things with nin-wire, and was _the best ninja_ when it came to infiltration and evasion if the rumors were to be believed. _How the loud, neon orange brat had managed that is anyone's guess._

More importantly, villagers kept breaking down his door and painting death threats and insults on his wall and he just kept scrubbing off the writing and replacing the doors, waiting for everyone who hated him to catch on to the fact that he wasn't going to become a monster, no matter how many times they called him one.

_It will not be difficult to care for him _he thought as he closed the door and locked it behind him. If he really wanted to be honest with himself, he already did.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Of course it was just his luck that Naruto was assigned to team seven or, more accurately, assigned to _Kakashi._

Hatake I-can't-be-bothered-to-care-about-anything-but-the porn-in-front-of-my-face Kakashi, bane of the mission desk, thorn in side of one Umino Iruka. It didn't help that the copy-nin had recently made it his personal goal to get a rise out of him, bugging 'that uptight chuunin in the mission office' when he was bored and had some spare time. So far Iruka had remained unflappable but it was obvious that he was close to some sort of break down. There was even a pool going, run by the admin. staff and some of the higher level jounin. He knew about it of course; he wasn't nearly as oblivious as he liked to act. _I mean_ _come on, did they honestly forget that I teach the pack of hellions? _

Since about a year before Naruto entered the academy it had been official policy to give Iruka all the problem children – from stuck up prodigies to street rats with 'authority issues'. By some miracle he managed to turn out a steady crop of perfectly manageable genin, eager to learn from their beloved new jounin sensei and begin to walk the path of the ninja. The exception to every rule, of course, being Naruto. Originally he was fast tracked for early graduation and assignment, but that fell apart two months in. He picked up the basic taijutsu forms without a hitch, threw kunai like he was born to it, and his understanding of ninja tactics: scary. _Should have never let him have that binder; who'd have imagined he'd create a way to take it to the next level?_ He wasn't smart in the classical sense. There was no way he would ever match wits with that lazy Nara in his class, but he was cunning and a _very _unconventional thinker._ Still have nightmares about the ginger beer incident (shiver)_.

His chakra control, however, was non-existent. Both Iruka and the specialist called in to consult agreed that it was probably the mix of Naruto's natural chakra and the demonic type leaking from the seal but neither new how to help fix the problem. Jjinchuuriki chakra systems were new territory. The best he could do is support Naruto while he worked it out himself and watch, sadly, as he failed year after year. By the time he finally figured it out enough to pull off a decent henge ("for the last time, 'sexy no jutsu' is not an acceptable replacement! Do look like I have huge boobs!? DON'T ANSWER THAT!!!") his age group had caught up to him, which Iruka supposed was a good thing.

The nickname 'eternal dead last' was not.

Neither was being placed on a team with a jounin instructor famous for failing genin the first day and sending them right back to the academy.

_Bet he would fail them just to finally get that rise out of you._

That settled it; the night before Naruto's big survival test with the newly minted team seven, Iruka gave him permission to go all out; no holds barred against his jounin sensei to pass his test. _If the copy-nin is as good as he claims to be, he should be able to survive._ He didn't feel the least bit guilty about sic-ing Naruto on him; that kid deserved to graduate to genin more than any other student he had ever taught. Naruto had earned the headband Iruka had given him and he'd be damned if he had to take it back.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Anko knew him better than most people so she immediately recognized Iruka's cat-ate-the-canary grin when she passed him in the hall the next morning. It took her several seconds to remember that Kakashi had been getting on his case lately, and a few more to connect it to the fact that Kakashi was putting Iruka's cute little demonic apprentice through the bell test today.

The halls were filled with Anko's cackling laughter and the hair on the back of the neck of every shinobi was raised. Anko was laughing; an ominous portent if there ever was one.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The jounin instructor for team seven was the last to report back to the mission office. The reason why was readily apparent.

He seemed to be suffering from several large contusions on his chest, which were clearly visible through his shredded shirt (and missing vest). His mask was left on (out of respect) as well as his pants (out of decency) and both sandals firmly on both feet (why bother). He had managed to half-escape from the ropes that had previously held him suspended upside down in the air. Still bound tightly but capable of a limited range of movement, enabling him to employ a strange little waddle-walk to make it back. He had absolutely no luck what-so-ever with cleaning/scraping off all the bright pink paint that was splattered across his right side. _Durable stuff. _He was, of course, still unaware that his hair had been died bright green but, paradoxically, was painfully aware that the two bells from the test had been tied to the ends of a few braided strands so that every time he made the smallest move, they jingled. His hands remained tied behind his back with an artful combination of nin-wire and his own hai-te, which had been removed from his person early on in the chaos. Therefore, he was unable to do anything about the 'kill me orange' sign that hung around his neck.

It read 'Mess with the Best, Die like the Rest'.

He calmly limped over to inform the group of non-traumatized jounin instructors that team seven had managed to pass, then made an about face and waddled (slowly) towards the door with as much dignity as he could muster. _I am calm and collected and above this and By God I will make those brats run so many laps_.

Before stepping out the door he shot the assembled his very best half-closed eye glare.

"Not a word."

The smiles were wide and the silence absolute. Shinobi are masters of laughing in the inside.

The next day Naruto gave him back his beloved Make Out Tactics: Limited Edition and assured him that it was a one time thing, he just _had_ to pass the test and Iruka said he could go all out so he figured it would be okay, especially after Kakashi himself had advised them to come at him with killer intent.

By all accounts Naruto was a loud, brash, annoying little kid that ran headfirst into any challenge thrown at him, damn the consequences. But an official sanction for a 'no holds barred' was too good to pass up. With an hour's prep time and two semi-willing 'assistants', Kakashi was fighting for his dignity, pride, and reputation and a ninja - and losing.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The jounin instructor began training by taking the first week to exact his revenge, then settled into tutoring his new cell; Naruto neglecting his traps for chakra control practice and sparing with his teammates. _It's not like they could teach him anything new anyway._

Life pretty much just went back to status-quo after that. Kakashi occasionally asked Naruto for his opinion on the defensive barrier traps around their encampment on missions but they were fairly simple and not worth much thought. Otherwise, his performance at the genin test remained unforgotten (as with most traumatic experiences) but largely unmentioned (or even referenced). By the time the chuunin exams rolled around anyone who had gathered a few juicy details about the 'team seven bell test incident' had forgotten them and the members of team seven themselves were as tightlipped as ever.

Sakura, because it was a good story but it wasn't about Sasuke.

Sasuke, because talking was not something he enjoyed doing; getting a sentence out of him was like pulling teeth.

Naruto, because he respected his sensei and felt guilty about the enhanced hair dye (which had remained in the silver hair for half a year, forcing Kakashi to resort to genjutsu to avoid looking like a complete jackass).

Kakashi, because he was still trying to block it out.

Konoha's #1 prankster had officially gone into retirement once he made genin, using his extra time to hang out with Iruka and occasionally Anko, who had started to mellow since she had left the ANBU a couple years ago and was now only 'regular crazy'. When they weren't around, there was always someone from the team to hang out with; none of them really had lives. He was getting better at chakra control and after he had completed the tree climbing excersize, he was taught kage bushkin to use as his 'specialty attack' since it required a lot of chakra and he had plenty to burn.

Naruto entered the chuunin exams with 'mass shadow clone' (derived from the kage bushkin) and 'sexy no jutsu' under his belt. Turns out it's not just for transgender tendencies anymore; it was actually dead useful as a total transformation technique for infiltration and undercover work when you adapted the form. It had yet to be countered - _or even detectable_ - when used properly. _Henge, HAH! I laugh in the face of henge._ There were also all the little 'variations on the theme' of course, as well as his old tricks with kunai, nin-wire, shuuriken, and any other odds and ends he happened to pick up. _In my hands, a toothbrush is lethal._ But he had cottoned on to the fact that if he really wanted people to take him seriously as a ninja, to make them acknowledge Uzamaki Naruto: Future Hokage as a worthy opponent, he would need a flashy ninjustu to back him up.

The rasengan turned out to be both a blessing and a curse.

Naruto managed to pull off the classic one-handed version just in time to save Tsunade in the fight against the creepy snake guy and glasses boy, but Sasuke was still pissed that he let Itachi get away _again _and when Naruto came back with one of the powerful ninjutsu the Fourth was famous for, his anger boiled over.

Naruto had seen the curse mark before, on the back of his family and former sensei. So he went and had a long talk with Iruka and later, a shorter one with Anko. Around the time Kakashi was tying his student to a tree to talk some sense at him (in the vain hope that something got through that thick skull) Naruto was forming a resolution of his own.

The promise of a lifetime was easy to give to Sakura because he had already sworn to himself that Sasuke would not die, as Shinto had all those years ago.

A few days later, as the sun rose over the mountains bordering the village, Naruto and Sasuke returned from the Valley of the End, heads hung low and bodies sore. Team seven was hurting but not broken and the love Sasuke had for his teammates, the fact that ultimately he chose them over his vengeance, made them that much stronger. 'Teme' and 'Dobe' were now terms of affection and a grateful Sakura never again ignored the blonde idiot (yelled at him, pounded him into the ground, yes, but never ignored). For Naruto, the absence of the Third was gradually replaced by the new closeness with his two teammates (not to mention the rookies of the rescue five) and a relationship with both the super-strong and the super-perverted sannin.

Kakashi himself had recently acquired a warm fuzzy feeling in his chest that might be happiness and a sort of clarity that might be peace of mind. He still had to deal with the blue-eyed ball of chaos on a regular basis so he wasn't so sure that 'peace' was a word he should use, but whatever.

_The next generation learns from the mistakes of the last._

Kakashi cared deeply for his charges and had finally gotten them to open up enough so that he could come to know them well. _Two orphans and a girl that doesn't tell her parents anything; I figure that I'm the one who knows them best, really._ He began focusing on the present, on the now, on his glowing pride for the closest knit and most capable team in Konoha (in his humble opinion).

He stopped thinking about the past, and how people's origins shaped their lives.

In hindsight, this would prove to be a mistake.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

**The 'ginger beer incident' is a nod to Terry Pratchett. If you ever get the chance, read "Night Watch". I was laughing from start to finish.**


	3. Books with Blank Pages

Books with Blank Pages

The whole thing started about two months after the Valley of the End. 'The Rookie Nine' (which actually consisted of twelve members including Team Gai) had taken to meeting every Tuesday, Friday, and alternating Sundays to gripe about instructors, parents, and the tortures they both forced them through in the name of 'character building'. Sasuke's attempted defection and the resulting mess of high tension, strung out emotion, and hospital bills put the sessions on hold for a while. However, as soon as training started up again, so did the gatherings.

_Only a week in and Gai-sensei has the four of us signed up for a couples retreat; something about a 'dynamic bonding experience'. What the hell is wrong with this man!? And more importantly, is it still contagious? Lee has obviously been infected; idiot never had a chance. _

_And now I have to deal with two of them; egging each other on constantly . . . _

_Maybe if I carve the eyes out of my skull Tsunade will let me stay here._

It was a good way to blow off steam since getting smashed (at the ripe old age of thirteen) wasn't really a viable option. Classic group psychology; my life is bad, so is yours, let us wallow in our misery together.

Sometimes, they didn't even have to be miserable. Like today for example. The administration office had been tied up with backlogged paperwork so the venerable Fifth Fireshadow had decided to exercise her power as Hokage and got someone else to fix it. Since it pertained to genin evaluations, the four most visible jounin instructors were 'awarded the honor'.

They were last seen a few days ago; Kurenai dragging Kakashi into the archival room by his ear as Gai and Asuma meekly followed after. Rumor had it that one of the Hokage's assistants had sealed the door after them, to be released when and only when the job was completed.

Those who knew just how good those particular jounin were with paperwork feared that they might starve to death first.

Anyway, it was a perfectly nice Sunday afternoon and since the four 'responsible adults' were still locked in the filing room of doom, the meeting turned into a picnic, catered by Chouji's mom.

She didn't even bat an eye when he packed up enough food to feed thirty people, she just assumed that he was a little hungrier than he usually was.

A few of them were early, so they had started up a conversation while waiting. Today's topic: the official unveiling of the treaty with sand. Trade agreements were hammered out in secret, so it was a bit of a shock when the Hokage revealed the terms, which included full restoration of the original contract, before in was smashed to pieces at the end of the chuunnin exams.

"But how can just go back to the way things were? They INVADED us for god's sake. They sent that kid Gaara _knowing_ he was an unstable maniac. They intended to use his sand as a weapon to crush our village! No way can we just ignore that!! Next exam they're just going to send him back here and do it all over again."

"Kiba, you have made a most grievous error in your judgment! Gaara has undergone a revelation and embraced his Youthful Spirit! Let us Recognize the change he has wrought in himself and join him in his quest for Personal Enlightenment!"

"The priorities of Sand do seem to have changed. They even sent 'the sand siblings' to assist us against 'the sound four'. It was a fairly obvious act of contrition on their part."

Shikamaru privately agreed with Neji.

Members of 'the rescue five' were still a bit pissed off at Sasuke. They didn't regret going after him; even when they were really only doing it as a favor for Naruto. But his lust for power had come close to killing Chouji and Neji. If the sand siblings hadn't shown up when they had, there was a good chance that none of them would have made it home.

_Temari_ showing up to rescue himhad been one of the more awkward surprises in Shikamaru's life; a dubious list that included his shirtless Uncle Larry, mom's 'tuna' casserole, and puberty.

_Whoever said that teenagers would make good ninja should be used for target practice. If I have to listen to her 'you are a pathetic ass that just gives up at the first sign of trouble' lecture one more time I will not be responsible for my actions. _

But back to the conversation.

"Still. I don't care if he came in and helped out Lee against that bone-user guy. Remember his eyes back during the exam? Totally bat-shit insane."

"You guys talking about Gaara?"

Sasuke and Sakura had arrived.

"Yeah. You saw him. Remember that time at the hospital? Mr. I-exist-to-destroy-all-others-not-myself turn over a new leaf? More likely he started hiding the bodies instead of just leaving them where they lay."

Tenten decided to contribute her two cents.

"But what about right after he brought Lee back on his sand? He was definitely different, even his eyes. He looked almost worried. If I didn't know any better, I'd have said he was shy."

A snort from Kiba.

"He was gone before I woke up. Did any of you have a conversation with him before he left?" asked Neji.

Several incredulous glances were directed his way before Sakura piped up.

"A couple hours after he came in I went looking for Naruto to thank him for bringing Sasuke back." Sakura's faced was screwed up in thought so she missed the near imperceptible stiffening of Sasuke's body next to her.

Guilt was proving much harder to cope with than anger and hatred, but for the sake of his friends, he would cope with it. He would bear the consequences of his mistakes like a Son of the Uchiha Clan: with dignity. _And humility, must remember the humility._

Sakura continued after a bit of thought.

"Gaara was in Naruto's room. They were talking about something but stopped as soon as I came in. It might have been a coincidence; he had this introspective look on his face like he was done talking and needed some time to think. I took the opportunity to give Naruto the flowers I had picked out – this really horrible combination of orange and dark blue that Ino helped me assemble"

Ino cringed at the memory. It had resembled a freakish sort of sea-urchin by the time they had finished. Naruto, of course, had loved it.

"I sat with him and talked for a while. Gaara left about a minute after I had arrived, muttering something about having to go back to Suna soon and politely made his good-byes. I remember being really shocked by that. I hadn't seen him since he used a giant hand of sand to crush me against a tree. When I recovered myself I asked Naruto if he knew what that was all about, but he changed the subject. I never found out what they were talking about and since the sand ninja left later that night, it never really came up again."

"Huh. That's a bit weird."

Ino was good at stating the obvious.

"But I don't get it; he was obsessed with Sasuke all through the chuunnin exam, right up to their match fight. I didn't think he'd even noticed Naruto was there." said a confused Tenten. "Why would Gaara seek him out after the rescue mission just for a talk? Especially if he was in a rush to get back to Suna."

"Maybe it was because Naruto was the one who stopped him from destroying Konoha."

Now all the incredulous stares were directed at Sasuke.

"WHAT!?!"

"When Gaara started transforming into the demon Naruto was the one who snapped him out of it. It got to the point where the Ichibi was fully formed before Naruto stopped it."

"Naruto? Uzumaki Naruto? Eternal Dead Last Naruto?"

"You sure you didn't hit your head or something?"

"I thought the ANBU were the ones who took care of it."

"How the hell -"

"HOLD IT!"

Everyone stopped and turned to Neji. It was possibly the loudest anyone had ever heard him speak.

"Start at the beginning."

"Right" said Sasuke, blinking once to marshal his thoughts.

"Kakashi and Sakura snapped Naruto and I out of he genjutsu at the arena. We saw Gaara and his team at the other end. Gaara looked like he was in the middle of a complete breakdown; killing intent was rolling off of him in waves. The other two grabbed him a headed towards the forest. Kakashi directed me to follow, with Sakura as backup. I don't know what he had Naruto doing, but it wouldn't be until later that he showed up to face off against Gaara."

"A short time into the fight it was looking bad. The curse seal made it hard to mold chakra and I can only make so many chidori before I run out. Gaara had somehow flanked me with sand and gotten Sakura, pining her to the tree. I was in trying to counter attack when Naruto showed up. As usual he immediately used the kage bushkin, but this time it was the 'mass shadow clone' variation."

This earned him confused looks so Sakura broke in with an explanation.

"Naruto is what Kakashi calls a 'chakra freak'. Kage bushkin takes up a lot of chakra, so it's not a technique a lot of people perform. But Naruto has tons of it, enough that he can create literal armies of shadow clones when properly motivated. I don't know how many he formed that time, but I remember thinking that it was like looking at a sea of orange."

"Yeah. That was a sight to see. The other two sand siblings jumped into the fight at that point so Naruto mobbed Gaara, who had progressed to a half transformed state, while I held off Temari and Kankuro. A bit later I heard this deep, demonic laughter and the next thing I knew, we were all running from the huge incarnation of the Ichibi, Naruto no where in sight."

"The next few minutes were confusing but Naruto somehow managed to summon this giant toad that squared off against the raccoon. They were pretty evenly matched until the toad henged into a feral looking red fox, who charged the raccoon. According to what Naruto told me later, he jumped off its head and on to the Ichibi's to wake up Gaara. He was in some sort of trance state that allowed the demon to take complete control so when Naruto head-butted him, the monster of sand dissolved. The fox disappeared as well and both of them fell down through the trees into a clearing about half a mile from were we had run to. I freed Sakura and then we all went over to the place they fell."

Sakura finished the story.

"Gaara was down and so was Naruto, technically. But the stubborn baka was dragging himself over to Gaara by his _chin. _A six year old could've killed him with a tongue depressor and he's still trying to fight. We helped our respective teammates up and the sand ninja looked they were going to start it up again but then Gaara told them to stop, then got this sort of funny smile on his face before turning to his sister and saying 'let's go home'. I don't know who was more stunned, us or them. Then they turned around and we grabbed Naruto and started heading back. That was the end of it."

The entire group was dumbstruck. Whether it was because Naruto apparently defeated _the_Subaku no Gaara and no one knew about it, or because Sasuke had just spent an entire minute talking (of his own free will) was unclear.

This time, it was Chouji who broke the ice.

"I heard a rumor that Naruto somehow blackmailed Jiraiya-sama into training him for the exam, I just didn't believe it. But the Toad Hermit is the only living ninja I know who has that contract."

"What do you mean? Surely the Great Rival of Gai-sensei was preparing his Youthful Team for the Rigorous Test of Will? No such instructor would ever turn his back on such Brightly Shinning Examples of Konoha's Beloved Young Ninja of Tomorrow!!!"

Everyone took a few seconds to recover from a close encounter of the Lee kind.

Neji, who had built up a tolerance, spoke first.

"He didn't. Haruno was out of the running and Hatake-san needed time to teach Uchiha to use the sharingan and, apparently, the chidori before _his _match with Gaara. I heard he got Ebisu-san to cover Naruto's training."

"Yes. But that lasted about a day. Turns out that besides being a stickler for rules Ebisu is also a HUGE closet pervert. One 'sexy no jutsu' later and he was hospitalized for blood loss."

Sakura had made sure to punch extra hard when she beat him up after he explained the debacle the next day.

For the first time, Shikamaru spoke up.

"What I want to know is how he summoned that giant toad. A thing like that takes more than just 'a lot' of chakra. Most jounin have smaller summons than that."

The group went silent in thought.

"Maybe it's a bloodline?" suggested Sakura. "In serious situations I've seen him use a different sort of chakra."

"Yes. I knocked out his tenketsu in the exam and he used that red chakra to fight. It was strange; like it was alive somehow. I've never seen anything like it."

"If it's a bloodline though, where's the clan? As far as I know, he has no family."

"He must have had parents though. Let's ask around a bit, see if we can find anything on it."

"Shouldn't we just ask him?"

"Nah," said Kiba. "He's an orphan. How would you feel if your friends suddenly started asking all these questions about your dead relatives?"

Sasuke didn't answer. He figured saying 'I would skin them alive and make them watch me wear it' would be a little too creepy. _I really need to work on my people skills. _

Some of what he was thinking must have shown up on his face though, because Shikamaru quickly exclaimed, "Alright then, it's settled. We'll meet here next Thursday at noon to share findings."

They all nodded in agreement.

They were bored and this was something interesting to do. And the more they thought about it and talked amongst themselves, the more curious they became about their fellow ninja.

None of them knew anything about his past before entering the Academy and even then, some of the earlier years of his classes were somewhat hazy. No one could name anyone who knew Naruto outside the circle the rookie nine, except for their old teacher Iruka.

And come to think of it, where did he live? The only time anyone ever ran into him was when he was hanging around Ichikaru's. Not even his teammates had been to his house.

_Odd, how we didn't notice it before now._

It was too late to turn back, they were hooked. By the time Naruto finally showed up an hour later (complaining that his D-rank babysitting job ran overtime), the other eleven of the rookie nine were determined to understand the unlikely enigma of Uzumaki Naruto, even if it killed them.

It was somewhat ironic that if anyone told them what they wanted to know, they'd be the ones put to death.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Miles away, their teachers were about to embark on an equally disturbing (and related) search for answers about one of _their _friends. They just didn't know it yet.

Like their students, they were eating lunch.

"Death by Kurenai's cooking." Kakashi intoned.

"This is not the way I wanted to go out."

"Just shut up and eat Asuma; and you too Kakashi. This is the best I could do; we're lucky that Gai even had these rations."

"That's another thing I was thinking about. Gai wears a skintight green bodysuit. Where exactly was he stashing these things?"

"Some things, My Most Beloved Curious Friend and Comrade, should Remain Mysterious."

Asuma's eyes widened until his pupils were the size of pinpricks. Gai, for once, was right. It was too late, however, to do anything about the horrible images he now had dancing around in his head.

_Don't think, don't think dammit!_

_. . . I think I'm gonna puke._

Kurenai just shuddered and Kakashi took the opportunity sink lower in his chair.

"Maa. How many more evaluations do we have left?"

"Only eleven more to go" answered Asuma, looking distinctly green.

It matched Gai's spandex.

". . .and how many have we done?"

Asuma winced.

"Two."

"Thirteen is a bad number for me."

Truth be told,_ paperwork_ was a bad _job_ for him. But then again, Kakashi was hardly alone in that respect.

"Yosh! The cooking flame has gained Exuberance!"

This was Gai's special way of informing the rest of the group that the small desk fire they had created to 'cook' (sterilize) the rations had grown to consume the entire desk.

No one really cared but if they ended up burning the building down but Tsunade would probably make them do more paperwork as punishment. _That _was _not_ an acceptable option.

After they roused themselves and put out the fire, they turned back to the remaining eleven files.

"I don't even see the point of this. These are all just misfiled genin evaluations from a decade years ago. Odds are all these ninja are all dead and buried by now." huffed Kurenai.

_She's probably doing this to punish one of these bozos and the rest of us are just casualties of her wrath._

"Maybe she's looking for someone; trying to find out more about their past." suggested Kakashi from the far end of the table.

"Who could she possibly be that interested in? And why the hell would _genin_ evaluations matter that much anyway?"

Kakashi didn't say a word, just held up the cover page of a thick stack of papers, bound together with elastic and half a dozen paperclips.

The heading read 'Genin Evaluation: Umino Iruka' and right below that was a note in small, spiky handwriting: 'completed by jounin instructor Orochimaru, 6th day, fourth month, the Year of the Bat'.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Iruka was having an interesting day.

Various members of the shinobi elite were asking after the four jounin instructors that had gone missing earlier in the week. They did not seem to be particularly concerned with the fate of their fellows, just curious if Kurenai was going to be coming to book club next week or if Asuma would be bringing the beer to Wednesday's card game.

There was even a hopeful group of neighbors that asked if Gai had moved to a different section of town.

Others were tip-toeing around him as if he was the devil incarnate. They seemed to be under the impression that if they so much as looked at him wrong, he'd seal them in the archive room as well; a fate many considered worse than death.

_Honestly, it's like this place is run by five year olds. No matter where I go, school or office, I'm surrounded by immature idiots._

"Oi, Iruka!"

_Speaking of. . ._

"Hey Naruto. Done with training?"

"Skipped it. Kakashi-sensei is still missing so it's not like we're learning anything. Then again, it's not like we learned anything when he was here either."

Iruka allowed himself a private smirk before laying into Naruto.

"That's no way to talk about you teacher. Be respectful."

_Can't believe I just said that; my god I am such a hypocrite._

"Respectful my ass. 'Reading porn is bad for you' remember? I bet him _reading porn to us_ is even worse. You stop breaking into righteous indignation every time he does something stupid and I'll call him _Kakashi-sama_ if that's what you want."

"Point. But still, what are you doing here? Even when he's gone there's always sparing with you team. There's no such thing as too much practice."

"I was going to after that stupid D-rank but when I finally found everyone they were acting all weird. There's something going on with them that they don't want me to know about."

Iruka was suddenly concerned. "Is it serious?"

Naruto waved him off.

"Nah; if it were anything bad I would know."

A pause.

"Alright. I wouldn't_know _but I would figure it out pretty quick. Trained by the master and all that."

Iruka smiled and shook his head.

"Flattery will not always work you know."

"As long as it works more often than 'respect' I'll be fine."

"I don't know what I did to get stuck with you," the older man grinned.

"You offered ramen. Big mistake. Now I'm yours for life."

Iruka pressed down on the warm feeling in his chest and managed to summon enough sarcasm for a single word retort.

"Joy."

……………………………………………………………………………………………...

"So what exactly do we have here?"

"Umino's genin evaluation."

"Yes."

"Written by Orochimaru."

"Yes."

"_Orochimaru_ was his jounin instructor up until the defection."

"Yes."

"WHAT THE HELL!! HOW DID WE NOT KNOW THIS!?!"

". . .yes."

"KAKASHI!"

"Sorry; reflex."

And it was reflex. It was also shock.

Umino Iruka; he barely remembered the name. The man was so ordinary. The only time he really time he really noticed the chuunin was when he was being yelled at for 'putting Naruto in needless danger' after he nominated them for the exam.

_That guy could mother-hen like nobodies business. And over Naruto of all people; that kid would jump off a cliff if someone dared him. Hardly needs me to put him in needless danger._

"This is big. He could be the best placed spy to ever infiltrate Konoha!"

"Let us not Too Hastily Besmirch the Name of an Honorable Teacher! Surely there is another explanation for this Suprising Revelation of Truth!?"

"Hate to say it, but Gai is right."

"FINALLY!! My Illustrious Eternal Rival has Acknowledged -"

"As I was saying, Iruka is no more a spy than Anko is. If the Third knew about this and still trusted him to teach children, there's no way he's working for Sound."

Asuma broke back into the conversation.

"But how do you know that he even knew about it?"

Kakashi pointed to the signature at the bottom of the page he was holding.

"Year of the Bat; he was still in his first term as Hokage. He didn't pick the Yondaime to be his successor until a year later. And as Hokage, he would have overseen the assignment of ALL genin teams. Probably even hand-picked this one since Orochimaru was his former student."

"Then Iruka must have been on the genin team with Anko and that other kid, the one that died. She never said anything."

"She never talks about those days and, really, most people go out of their way to avoid running into her, much less striking up a conversation."

"And look at the date again. Iruka must have been around the age of seven when this was written."

"What the hell was a seven year old Umino Iruka doing in a heavy combat cell?"

The jounin sat and thought that one over for a minute. Gai was the first to speak up again.

"It would seem that Our Darling Academy Teacher is a more Formidable Shinobi of the Leaf than we had Initially Assumed!"

"You can say that again. And I bet this file has all sorts of juicy details about how he got that way."

They converged around the stack of papers, leaning over the folder like a group of surgeons assessing a patient.

This was interesting. It was also still technically paperwork, which confused them because they actually wanted to read through it and see what it had to say.

_I bet its food poisoning talking – NO! Don't think about it! Go to the happy place._

Asuma looked like he was tuning out again.

Gai looked like a child who felt a bit too curious about something he knew he shouldn't be looking into, but was about to do so anyway.

Kurenai was still confused but was eyeing the genin evaluation like a lion would a slow, elderly impala.

Kakashi was still in shock, but hiding it well.

_Naruto loves Iruka like a father; they're each other's family and they go way back; before Naruto even entered the Academy. I look at this paper and suddenly I don't know the first thing about him - except that he hates porn. _

Then came an interesting question:

_Did Naruto know about this?_

_And if he did, what else is he hiding? All I know about either of their pasts is what the Sandaime told me, and even that was just a short explanation._

He looked up and over at his flabbergasted colleagues.

If he was going solve this puzzle, he'd need help.

_It's not like I'd have to force them _he thought as turned back to the file _they're practically slobbering at the mouth._

He frowned slightly.

_Bizarre choice of imagery; I probably shouldn't hang out with the nin-dogs so much._

Kakashi waited a bit longer, then spoke up when it became clear no one was going to snap out of their trance.

"Well, this thing isn't going to open up itself."

He grabbed the folder out from under their noses before they had a chance to react and unwound the thick rubber-bands that kept everything in place.

There was a moment of silence as he looked at the top page of the report, then a rapid 'swishing' noise as a bunch of pages were rapidly turned.

". . ."

"What is it? What'd you find?"

He let the papers fall in a rough pile on the top of the table. Every line of every page was blacked out with chakra re-enforced sumi ink.

Kakashi hated paperwork. In a paranoid little corner of his brain, he suspected that paperwork hated him back.

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**Didn't know exactly what the equivalent dates are in the Naruto world, so I made it up. 'Year of the Bat' just sounded right, if that makes sense.**


	4. Awkward Moments

**Thank you to those of you that reviewed; I'm glad to know I'm going in the right direction.**

**This will be a slightly more serious chapter, since it involves asking some of the parents about Naruto. This is by no means an idealized story; just because the kids like him doesn't mean the parents automatically let go of their grudge. It wouldn't mean anything if Naruto didn't have to fight for every scrap of respect. We'll get there, just not now.**

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Awkward Moments

"Please pass the rice bowl Sakura."

"Yes mother."

"So Sakura, how is training going?"

"Well. Kakashi-sensei is still missing in action but we've taken to meeting with the other teams and sparing against them. Its good practice to go up against other ninja techniques."

"That's good Sakura but really; that 'Kakashi' instructor of yours should be more responsible."

Sakura took a moment to recalibrate her brain so that it would accept the words 'Kakashi' and 'responsible' in the same sentence.

"I think I should have a talk with this man. I mean really."

There were many times in her life when Sakura was thankful for plain old civilian parents.

This was not one of them.

Mr. and Mr. Haruno had never actually met Hatake Kakashi for one very important reason: he was insane.

Ninja were people who were taught from a very young age to fight and kill the enemy, so it was understandable that the ones that managed to survive to adulthood a little screwy. The ninja in Konoha tended to be a bit better trained and survive a bit longer, so it was also understandable that they were that much weirder once they reached adulthood.

Hell all you had to do is take a look at Maito Gai and enough said.

As a member of team seven she knew deep in her heart that Kakashi-sensei was equally psychotic, he just wasn't as loud about it. Taking him to meet Topou and Kioko Haruno, the two most ordinary people in Konoha, was not an idea she even wanted to contemplate. She had told them a little about him since _he was_ her jounin instructor. It was a very carefully watered down version that, under no circumstances, included porn or perversion. If they happened pass the legendary copy-nin on the street, they wouldn't know it.

And now her mother wanted to give him 'a stern talking to' about 'being lax with the training schedule'. _If they only knew._

"Really mother, it's alright. He had to get some work done at the administration building and I needed more live combat practice anyway."

Her mother gave her a dubious look.

"All right honey, if you insist." Then she changed topics.

_Disaster averted_.

"So how's that teammate of yours; the Uchiha. He's quite a handsome fellow."

Her mother attempted to give her a saucy wink and even though no one else, not even her father, saw it, she was mortified.

_Out of the frying pan, into the raging inferno of parental embarrassment._

"Mom! He and I aren't like that. Sasuke, Naruto, and I are a team."

The teasing sparkle in her mother's eyes immediately went out with the mention of Naruto. She never really talked about him so she didn't notice it before now, but this time she was looking for the reaction.

What anyone could have against Naruto was a mystery. He was the most hyperactive, annoying person she had ever met but what would that matter to her parents?

_Probably caught in one of his pranks; that idiot has hit everyone in the village with a paint balloon at some point or another. MORON!!_

She smiled to herself as inner-Sakura started ranting again. She never admitted it out loud but she thought the pranks Naruto used to pull on the townspeople and local shinobi were hilarious. Even if she 'hated' him at the time, it doesn't take a genius to recognize another.

_Maybe 'genius' isn't the right word when talking about Naruto, but he had some good ideas._ _And that mascara on the Fourth Hokage: beautifully applied. That man would make a decent looking transvestite! _

_. . .Oh no; sensei's perversion has finally gotten to me! _

Mortally crippling horror consumed her.

Her parents looked on, a little disturbed, as their daughter suddenly started hitting her head against the dinner table.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Dinner at the Aburame house was a quiet affair. Usually.

Dinner with Kiba, however, was not.

Hinata had gotten permission to have dinner at the clan's house in the interest of 'forming bonds between two noble families' or some such nonsense. Since Kiba's 'secret crush' on the young Hyuuga was about as secret as Naruto's crush on Sakura had been, Shino did not so much as bat an eyebrow when the boy followed them to his house like an overgrown puppy.

Not that he would anyway; Shino never moved unless he could absolutely help it. He was lazier than Shikamaru but, like Kakashi, not as loud about it. Talking, for example, required the movement of dozens of facial muscles so why bother carrying on ridiculous conversations about weather and girls and different breeds of dog. _Love Kiba like a brother, just don't want to have to listen to him. _

He had picked up the whole quiet and mysterious reputation by complete accident and he couldn't be bothered to explain to people why they were wrong (or even just tell them that they were 'troublesome').

They arrived at the gate and one of his cousins waved him in.

"Hey Shino! Just got in a major new shipment of peaches from the south; enough to last the week!"

Shino was particularly exited by this news, so he went so far as to slightly nod his head.

When they finally reached his house they went right into the dining room, where his mom was busy cracking open a barrel of them.

Since the members of the Aburame clan were essentially half person, half bug, they found that they needed to compromise between the two diets early on. Rancid meat was a favorite for a lot of the bugs they housed but it was not exactly 'human friendly'. Similarly, cooked food was simply not an option for insects. Essential nutrients and energy were lost during the process so they ended up having to eat even more than the Amikichi just to keep up with the required glucose intake. And besides, the first members of the clan were really bad cooks.

So what's the middle ground? What food group had lots of sugar and was loved by both the human and insect race? Fruit.

Fruit salad, fruit pies, fruit parfait; such was the rigorous training diet of the mighty Aburame. The deepest darkest secret of the ancient clan was that any member would do almost anything for a strawberry; one of those nice big juicy ones the size your nose.

Peaches were a close second.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Just when Kakashi thought his day couldn't get any worse, it did.

"What's that you got there?"

Three of the jounin froze at the voice coming from a person behind them; from a person none of them sensed sneaking up because they were all too busy reeling from the disappointment of a completely censored genin file.

Gai, the fourth jounin, screamed like a little girl and shot into the air.

This is not a figure of speech. The downside of being an incredibly strong taijutsu master is that sometimes your body responded instinctively to danger without your brain's permission.

These responses are typically both embarrassing and extreme over-reactions, as evidenced by Gai, whose head had gone clean through the roof. His shoulders were too wide to fit through two closely spaced support beams, so he was essentially stuck and, ironically, much more vulnerable to attack than he had been a second ago.

The three ninja who were not currently stuck in the ceiling turned slowly to come face to face with the Hokage herself, who was looking at the censored pages with mild interest.

". . .genin evaluations."

"Ah yes, about that. Turns out we're just going to scrap them. Nothing really important about decade old genin files anyway."

She made a few quick hand seals and the jounin watched as the one solid lead on the enigma that was Umino Iruka's past, as well as any work that they had managed to get done over the five days they had been imprisoned there, go up in flames.

One of them made a small squeaking sound; like someone stepping on a mouse with high heels.

"I thought there were fourteen files," Tsunade said as she watched them turn to ash. "I'm only counting thirteen."

Kakashi was once again the first to recover.

". . . there might have been a small desk fire."

Gai took the opportunity to finish pulling his head out of the ceiling and landed back down on Kakashi's right side. He seemed oblivious to the fact that the small pile of dust and rubble that had been loosened fell on top of him and his comrades.

"Hokage-sama! Have you come to Free Us Poor Souls from the Tortuous Prison of the Archival Office of DOOM?!"

His hopeful smile of joy went 'Ping!'

She looked at him blankly for a moment before turning back to the other three.

"The desk and ceiling repairs are coming out of the next paycheck; get back to training your teams, they've been running all over the place."

She glared for good measure, as if it was their fault that they hadn't shown up of the last week of meetings. As if they hadn't been locked away in their worse nightmare; forced to consume –

"Hey." She said as her eyes caught on something. "What's with the half eaten ninja ration?"

This proved to be Asuma's undoing.

As Kurenai tried to explain why the Sarutobi was barfing all over her shoes, Kakashi and Gai slowly inched towards the door and ducked out.

They were Honorable Shinobi of the Leaf; valuing the lives of their friends and fellow villagers above all else. But no way in hell were they sticking around for this one.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"That reminds me. I've been meaning to ask you guys about something."

"Yes dear?"

"Have you ever heard of an Uzumaki clan? Or maybe a family named Uzumaki? It's not like it's a common name."

Her parents exchanged a quick glance as the room seemed to suddenly flood with tension.

"No," her father answered her tersely before turning back to his dinner.

"You sure? You seemed to know Naruto from before the Academy."

They had warned her against making friends with the boy; that he was a 'no good troublemaker'. The first day of class, when he decided to rig the chalk to blow up in their teacher's face, had only re-enforced her decision to stay away.

Iruka-sensei had turned beet red and yelled at him for five straight minutes but she remembered seeing them later, eating together at a local ramen stand so she figured he wasn't all that angry.

Her mother and father across from her stiffened.

"Yes."

It was clear that the conversation was over.

……………………………………………………………………………………………...

"Rumor has it you released the prisoners."

"Aa. Tsunade decided that she wanted someone keeping an eye on you guys more than she wanted 'a bunch of old papers organized and color-coded'."

"We can take care of ourselves."

Iruka snorted.

"Maybe the others can, but _you_ need someone with you to yell at you when you start doing something stupid."

"No I don't."

"On Thursday you knocked yourself out in the middle of the forest and we had to send out a search party."

"I needed to practice my head-but. How else was I supposed to do that?"

"You could try _not_ fracturing you skull against a particularly well built gingko tree."

"Eh, it's not like I have any brain cells to loose anyway," grinned Naruto.

Iruka just heaved an exasperated sigh.

"Let's just grab some ramen; I'll try to explain the whole concept of 'self preservation' after dinner."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Hinata; would you like another apple?"

"H-hai, Kiba-kun."

Hinata reached for the proffered apple and bit into it. Shino was silently packing away peaches on her left and across from her, his dad was engaging Kiba in a long debate about various tracking techniques. They had started talking from personal experience which had led to the retrieval mission, where both nin-dogs and nin-bugs had been seriously hampered by the rain.

Hinata was nervous.

While Kiba was a patient and caring teammate, he sometimes forgot to include everyone in a conversation once he got going.

She had been one of the ninja who stayed behind; the team had not needed two byakugan users and Neji was still a far better fighter than she. She spent the entire day terrified out of her mind that her childhood hero would not return and when he came back through the gates at dawn with Sasuke, she was overwhelmed with both relief that they were alive and guilt for ever doubting that Naruto wouldn't keep his word.

Her mother (still alive before the birth of Hanabi) once told her that she had good eyes. It was not just the byakugan bloodline but something deeper; more instinctual. Hinata would notice little details that everyone else would ignore, or see, then quickly forget. People were very good a being blind when they wanted to, but Hinata kept her eyes open, always watching. She watched Naruto a lot since no one else seemed to. She watched him spit on by passing strangers, come in with fading bruises shaped like fingers and fists, she watched as he fought back with smiles and paint balloons.

She admired him.

As she bent and broke under her father's will, he fought with tireless spirit against the vicious hatred of the villagers. And then he looked back at her, cheered for her against the cousin she could not hope to beat, _then beat_ _him_ _for her_ to teach both Hyuuga a lesson about fate. She was timid and kind and in no way fit to be a ninja in the eyes of her father but from then on, she decided that would not bow so easily. Already, she was changing: this week she spared with Neji and held her own.

But the most exiting thing to happen recently by far was the conversation they had earlier today. The others had finally decided to look at Naruto. Now that their eyes were open, he might finally get some of the respect he deserved.

She only hoped that one day she might be as strong and as brave as he is; that one day she'd be able to tell Kiba how much he meant to her.

_No! I __will__ get stronger and live everyday for tomorrow; like Naruto has since we were little_.

She was so happy to see all his hard work paying finally off; it gave her hope for he own future.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Idakimasu!"

Iruka dug his chopsticks into the warm broth and swirled a few noodles around them.

Naruto, for lack of a better word, _inhaled._

A customer further down cautioned, "Careful kid; you could choke!"

Iruka leaned forward around Naruto, gave a friendly smile, and held out his hand.

"Hi. You must be new here. My name is Umino Iruka. Nice to meet you!"

His eyes curved as he held his grin.

"Hitori Dozu." He shot Naruto a confused look. "I don't think he's even breathing!"

"Yeah. Something about 'without ramen, life isn't worth living anyway'." His smile widened. "It's a bit intimidating at first -"

Naruto slammed the bowl down and shouted, "Keep 'Em Coming Teuchi-sama!"

"- but you get used to it," he finished wryly as Naruto started on bowl #2 without breaking a sweat.

"Is he a ninja?"

"Yes. But it's more that he's Naruto than he's a shinobi."

"I see."

The man clearly didn't._ Where the hell does it all go?_

He turned back to the manager and ordered the chicken flavored one, which seemed like a safe option. The man nodded and turned to his daughter, who informed him that they were all out. He looked confused.

"But Naruto ordered shrimp."

The girl shrugged.

"We're out of that too. Polished off both pots."

The customer's eyes bugged out and turned back to face the blonde kid, who was now surrounded by a pile of empty bowls. Iruka had to lean back behind Naruto to face the chagrined man. He flashed another amused grin.

"Don't worry. They'll have another batch whipped up in no time."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Hinata was going all quiet and introspective and Kiba was starting off on another one of his shamelessly edited versions of an old mission, adding in bandits and a princess to 'spice things up'. Now was the perfect time to ask his father about Naruto's parents.

Aburame Shibi had worked in the Hokage's office fifteen years ago, when he was still a young chuunin. Specifically, he had been put in charge of the census. He would know about Naruto's family, and hopefully tell him what happened them.

"Father."

Shibi turned away from the spectacle that was Inzuka Kiba to face his son.

"Do you know of a family by the name of Uzumaki?"

He gave him a long considering look then answered.

"There is none."

"How -"

"There. Is. None. Uzumaki Naruto has no family. Do not inquire further."

His tone suggested that he disapproved of this line of inquiry, or the subject. What was more, he obviously knew something but refused to tell it to Shino, which irked him to no end. What could he possibly be hiding?

The mystery of Naruto's family sat in the back of his head like an itch that he just couldn't scratch. He knew that this was going to be a pain in the ass; that it would take a while and a lot of help to get to the bottom of this (not to mention all that expended energy). Much to his annoyance, chasing after Naruto's buried past was something that _he would just have to do_.

_ Just scratched the tip of the iceberg, but it's already too late to pull out now._

And the way Shibi had worded his response:

"_Uzumaki Naruto has no family_."

_What did that mean?_

He would wait until Thursday and hope the others had more luck.

His father faced the loud ninja once more and this time, did not turn back.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Meanwhile, Sasuke was on his own quest for answers. Since he didn't have any parents to bug (_thank you very much Itachi) _he decided to do what he did best: creep around in the dead of night.

He even had the clothes for it.

_Black pantsuit: check. Grappling hook: check. Ultra fine 'soft tread' sandals: check. Cool theme music playing in my head: check._

Being a cat-burglar was not quite as cool as being an avenger, but it was close. And certainly, a lot more fun.

The guards changed shifts and he made his move, sliding like water along the outer edge of the building before scaling a built in ladder. The roof of the archive building was much higher than its surroundings, having been built on a hill. Therefore jumping directly onto it was not a viable option.

He reached the top and checked his watch: 3 minutes.

This is where the grappling hook and chain came in. He would carefully cut a small hole in the roof, between the ancillary support beams, then lower himself down onto the secondary column and -

WHUUMP, BANG, _CRASH!!!_

Fall through a completely random hole in the roof. _What the hell?_

He got up slowly, testing his limbs to make sure nothing was broken.

_What kind of idiot would punch a hole in the roof and just leave it there?_

A very unwelcome voice in the back of his head, the thing he called 'his conscience', decided to make itself known.

_True. But then what kind of idiot would accidentally fall through the roof of the building he was trying to break into?_

_Shut up._

_Oh, good one. _

Sarcasm practically oozed off the words. He was having an argument with a voice in his head and loosing. This was not a good sign.

_You think?_

He ignored the remark and looked around himself, half surprised that guards hadn't stormed him to arrest him and/or cart him of to the mental ward.

_O.k. It's not exactly going to plan but I can still get the information._

He walked along the rows of filing cabinets until he found "U" then opened up the drawer and started flipping through the files.

_Uman, Umeha, Uni, Uudo, Uzumaki. _

He pulled it out.

The folder was nothing special; it contained the standard assessment done for all academy students, a signed form that stated that he would not hold his jounin instructor responsible for any injury, emotional trauma, or loss of life, and copies of the mission reports they had handed in. There was even the old paperwork for the chuunin exam shoved in there.

He didn't care about that though. He flipped to the beginning, where the Academy students were required to fill out their background information. The writing on the form was a mix of confused, awkward scribble and precise, neat lettering.

_Naruto must have had help filling it out. I wonder who it was, this writing looks familiar._

He set the page aside, eager to find what he came for.

_Parents, Parents, Parents. . ._

"What the hell?" He frowned.

The space where his parent's names should be was blank. There was a small note:

Refer to file 23-5-11/B, Hokage's office.

_Bureaucracy triumphs again._

He was about to close the drawer when a name caught his eye.

Uchiha, Itachi.

Well.

_Hmm. Moral dilemma._

He stared at the thick folder for a minute, then grabbed it. This archive was specifically for non-classified information so _technically_ speaking, he wasn't breaking a law.

He was just breaking in.

He gathered up the file, plus the page with a sample of the unknown writing. If he could figure out who it belonged to, he could ask them for some answers. Then he picked up the grappling hook. . . and stared at it.

Then he looked up into the shadows of the vaulted ceiling and reviewed 'the master plan'

_Guard change, climb up wall to roof, cut hole, lower self to ground by chain, grab file, climb back up chain. . ._

_. . .climb back up chain. Yes, that would be it, wouldn't it?_

And of course it was just dark enough that he couldn't actually _see _the hole he fell through.

_Well, only one thing for it really._

He climbed on top of the little pile of debris that had fallen with him and started throwing as straight up as he possibly could.

The first attempt was a miss, marked by a heavy clang and bits of white plaster falling down on top of him. The second, third, and fourth try went much the same way.

_I suppose it's a good thing I've had so many anger management classes since the Sound debacle. Probably would have had a coronary by now._

As such, he was unaware that he had acquired a somewhat noticeable facial tick instead.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Team seven met up the next day in various states of psychological distress.

Naruto was perfectly fine and in an even better mood than usual. Iruka had taken him out for dinner and they met a man; a villager who didn't normally eat there. It had taken him a couple minutes, but he had recognized the blond boy as the Kyuubi vessel and, after talking to him for a while, seemed to conclude that he wasn't a monster like people said. He even shook Naruto's hand before going home to his family. It wasn't anything really huge in the scheme of things, but it was nice. _If I have to sit down with everyone and convince them one by one I will. People seem to get stupider when they're in a mob anyway._

Sakura was still a little disturbed by her parent's reaction to Naruto. They had never hidden something from her; not like this. It frightened her that the two most ordinary villagers in Konoha might harbor that kind of unreasonable hate for a kid; for her _friend_.

Kakashi himself was harboring a deep and completely reasonable fear of Tsunade. He didn't want to go back to the archive office (torture chamber) and was afraid that if she found any more paperwork that needed doing, he was going to get drafted again (for running away the first time). Hence the full-blown paranoia; he was wound so tightly he couldn't even bear to read Icha Icha Paradise. _And that's just wrong._

Sasuke, who had managed to break out of the very same archive office (_torture chamber!)_ around dawn, had trudged home glaring liquid death at anyone and anything that crossed his path. He dropped the files under a floorboard and ran as fast as he could to the bridge, hoping against hope that he would arrive at least before Kakashi-sensei.

Naruto laughed.

"Going for the 'mime' look teme?"

Sasuke looked down at himself. He had not had enough time to shower, just to run into his room and slip on a new set of (black) clothes as he was leaving; he was in such a hurry that he didn't even look at his hands. If he had, he would have noticed that some of the finer plaster dust stuck to his skin and that his hands, along with his legs, face, and hair, were all snow white.

_Smooth move genius._

_Shut up._


	5. Undercover Work

**Don't own anything. Never did, never will.**

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Undercover Work

"Did you guys have any luck?"

"No."

"No."

"Nope."

"Nada."

"Nothing."

"Zip."

"Yeah, me neither."

This puzzle was proving to be more interesting than originally thought. After comparing notes they realized that they weren't going to get anywhere asking other people. For whatever reason, the Uzumaki family was a taboo subject in Konoha. It was also becoming rapidly apparent that Naruto suffered for it. _Must have been a really nasty clan for the villagers to treat him like this._

"So what now?"

"I have a lead."

The group of conspirators, as one, turned to Sasuke.

"I broke into the archival office and swiped the dobe's file. His parents weren't listed but someone helped him fill out some of his earlier forms; we find them and we find the key to solving this."

"You broke _into _the archival office?"

"And out of again, which was a bit more challenging."

Sakura had a flashback to the lesson on Monday and stifled a giggle. Sasuke glared. He had spent the entire morning sparing with Naruto; every time the blonde had landed a punch or a kick, a fine cloud of plaster mist puffed up around the raven haired youth. It was quite possibly the most ridiculous match she had ever seen in her entire life. And by the way Kakashi's eye remained curved in an upside down 'u', he concurred. Just standing on the sidelines and watching was enough to pull both sensei and student out of their tense paranoia and mild depression, respectively. They would have enjoyed observing the spectacle the whole day but after about two hours of this both Naruto and Sasuke had to call the match because they couldn't stop succumbing to bouts of sneezing every five seconds.

"Well, let's see it then."

"Not here."

Sasuke was not stupid. Two months ago he attempted to run to Orochimaru (he refused to use the word 'defect'). He was now technically on probation but since Naruto had vouched for him to the Hokage herself, the terms were pretty open-ended. Still, if anyone caught him breaking into so much as a gym locker, he would be in a world of hurt. _Not to mention roof repair. I probably took out half the ceiling trying to make my 'dramatic exit'. Pity the fools who have to fix it. _

_Theoretically, at least. I'm this close to figuring out that 'empathy' thing._

"Can you guys meet me back at the Uchiha compound tonight? We'll go over the files then."

"Right."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Naruto was confused.

This was not an unusual state for him, so he wasn't too bothered by it, but it still annoyed him. The sparing match earlier was, to put it lightly, hilarious. As far as he was concerned anytime Sasuke looked stupid was funny, but this just took the cake. _Next time I see him, I'll call him puffball. Bet that gets a rise out of him._

But when he thought about it, he started to wonder exactly what Sasuke had been doing covered in white powder in the first place. As he saw it, there were several possible explanations, each more ridiculous than the last.

The first thing that popped into his head was that Sasuke was experimenting with makeup. _I mean, he spends enough time fixing his hair; this is just the next logical step. _But that didn't really fit. He _was_ first in the class at the Academy, as much as he hated to admitted it. Surely he was at least smart enough to realize that you didn't put that much on, or apply it to your legs, arms, and hair. Besides, if Sasuke was really 'branching out' he probably wouldn't totally disregard the mascara and lipstick. That was the best part.

_Not that I would know, of course _he hastily added to himself.

The next possibility was thought up and thrown away just as quickly. _I mean_ _sure__, he has the perfect complexion to be a geisha but I doubt he'd quit being a ninja just so he could become the first male maiko. And he'd still need to wear lipstick and eyeliner for that anyway._

Maybe it's a drug problem; he fell asleep in his coke stash or something. _He'd have to be high to not notice he was covered head to toe in white powder._ And it's not like anyone would be able to tell if he was whacked out or anything. If his experiments with LSD (on the administration staff) had taught him anything, they taught him that nine times out of ten drug users tended to retreat into their own little world, which actually pretty much pegged Sasuke. He never smiles, talks, or really even acknowledges anyone. And when he does, he glares at them like they're interrupting something important.

Suddenly, an image of Sasuke glaring at Kakashi, complaining, "Dude, you're harshing my buzz!" popped into his head.

Not drugs then.

_Oh well, I'll just ask Sakura about it later. She's the smarter one; she should be able to figure it out. That is, if she ever stops laughing _he amended.

The other thing that bothered him would not be as easily taken care of. The other rookies were still acting weird. He couldn't put his finger on it and he didn't really have any proof, but it was like a sixth sense. He could swear that, at various times during the day, people were staring at him out of the corner of their eye but the moment he turned, they were focused on something else. It made him a bit uncomfortable. In the past, staring was never a good thing. In fact, staring usually directly preceded an attack, so it was actually _the worst _of things. But there was no directed malice. If he had to put a name to the emotion, he'd call it curiosity.

Curiosity would be fine, and perfectly harmless, if he was anyone else. However, he was Uzumaki Naruto, accursed jailer of the Kyuubi no Yoko. Curiosity could get him completely rejected by the friends he loved. Or worse, it would get them killed.

Maybe it was time to talk to Iruka.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The jounin were acting weird.

Most jounin acted weird from time to time (or constantly, from the civilian perspective) so it was nothing new. But it was _these _jounin or, more specifically, the four instructors he had locked in the archive building last week. They had been hanging around the mission office lately, staring at him out of the corner of their eyes when they thought he wasn't looking. It was like they were trying to slowly drive him insane. _You'd think Kakashi would have at least learned his lesson from after the last time. It took his hair forever to get back to its natural color._

What confused him even more was that they didn't seem to be _actively_ trying to annoy him. They seemed to think they were being all covert and subtle about it.

They were masters of hiding in the background on missions but in the village Konoha, ninja trying to act casual was a dead give away. They tended to revert back to camouflage training, which wasn't that effective when you were surrounded by filing cabinets. _Better just go with the direct approach and get it over with._

"Kakashi-san, what are you doing behind that houseplant?"

Kakashi's eye widened slightly, before reverting back to the bored half-closed look.

"Aa. Just inspecting the leaves. It is a very interesting species. What do they call it?"

". . . bamboo."

"Ah."

Iruka stared at the tall man and waited. It was an old interrogation tactic; eventually the subject would get so uncomfortable with the silence that they'd start talking about anything and everything just to fill the void. Iruka had used it just this morning to find out who put gum in Moegi's hair.

"Oh dear, I forgot to feed my dogs. Excuse me."

And with that, Kakashi bolted across the room to the exit, which was blocked by a group of chuunin. This did not impede the copy-nin though; he only turned slightly to the left and jumped out the window.

Since the window hadn't been open, the sounds of Kakashi's hasty escape were accompanied by the tinkle of broken glass as it fell five stories onto the street below.

"I don't suppose you know what that was about Gai-san?"

Maito Gai, who been hiding behind one of the couches, popped up.

"I must go and Assist My Most Precious Friend and Rival!!" exclaimed the beautiful blue beast of Konoha as he took a flying leap out the same window and ran after Kakashi.

_I suppose it helps when the subject can't escape. I'll have to remember to tie them down the next time._

………………………………………………………………………………………………

_If this is where he's been living all these years _Shikamaru thought to himself as he walked through the gates of the Uchiha district _it's no wonder he's emotionally stunted._

The Uchiha compound was, for lack of a better word, a graveyard (in both the metaphorical and the literal sense). The first thing you saw when you walked in were the headstones, followed by rows of boarded up houses. In the center square there was a small fountain that had dried up around the same time Itachi decided to 'test his capacity' against his family. The main house, that lay just beyond, might as well have been a haunted mansion and Sasuke, at the age of fourteen, was well on his way to becoming the creepy old man who lived in one.

The Nara opened the door and walked inside. He was the last one to arrive.

"Is that it?" he asked, glancing at the paper Sasuke held in his hand.

"Yes. The sloppier writing is Naruto's but I haven't been able to figure out who this other sample belongs to."

"A-ano -"

"It looks familiar."

"Ano, Shika -"

"I know what you mean, I just can't place it."

"It's Ir -"

"Yeah; like it's on the tip of my tongue. Could it be -"

"Iruka-sensei!"

Everyone turned to Hinata and she turned as red as a tomato from both the attention and embarrassment. She wasn't going to clam up though, this was important. _Maybe someday I'll stop blushing at every little thing. Or even better, I'll stop embarrassing myself like this._

"I-Iruka-sensei was the one who wrote that. See how the line of that character ticks up slightly at the end? H-he's the only one I've ever seen do that."

"Wow Hinata, your right!" exclaimed Kiba.

She couldn't help herself, she blushed again.

"Four years sitting through his classes; I can't believe I didn't notice it."

"Speak for yourself. I slept through all my lessons."

"I suppose it makes sense. Iruka was closer to Naruto than any other student who went to the Academy. He must have been watching out for Naruto since the beginning."

"Hey guys," Kiba cut in, "did anyone take a look at the date on this paperwork? He was enrolled a good three years before the rest of us."

"Well he did fail the exam, like, at least a dozen times before finally graduating."

Ino was exaggerating. Naruto retried every four months for three years so really, he only got to nine.

"Yeah, but why? His taijutsu was perfect and he might have been an idiot but he did alright on the exams."

"The plot thickens."

Sakura shot Sasuke a look for the sarcastic remark.

"Whatever the reason, we can ask Iruka-sensei when we talk to him. But if you all stopped trying to look 'underneath the underneath', you would have noticed something even more important."

They stared blankly and Sakura let out a frustrated sigh.

"His address!"

Their eyes followed her pointing finger to a small box, in which 'Uzumaki Naruto, Hideki Apartment Complex #35c, Konohagakure, Fire Country' was written.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

That night dinner was at Naruto's place. Anko had just gotten back from a mission and Iruka was a bit freaked out by his new stalkers, so a little normality sounded like a good idea.

In theory.

'Normal' still wasn't a good word to use when describing anything even associated with Naruto. Even cozy domestic scenes were quickly turned on their heads. The result was usually entertaining so no one really cared that by the end of the night they ended up having to wash noodles out of their hair (debates on anything tended to incorporate food-fights).

Tonight Iruka was hoping to forgo that. They were having eggplant soup and stir fry, part of an ongoing campaign to make Naruto eat more vegetables. He was just taking the pan off the stove when the door slammed open against the wall.

"Honey, I'm HOME!"

"Anko's here." Naruto informed him from the living room, somewhat redundantly.

"Hey squirt. How's life?"

"Good, good. May I take your coat?"

Anko just leered at him.

"If she's wearing a coat she's not wearing a shirt!"

"I know."

Anko started laughing. Iruka rolled his eyes and poured the food into a bowl to take into the other room. They were eating around the table in front of the couch since only two people could really fit in the kitchen at a time (with the fridge, sink, and stove).

"I don't know why I put up with you two."

"You enjoy headaches?" suggested Naruto.

Anko continued the line of thought:

"You're secretly a masochist?"

"I'm a living saint that can't help taking in strays?" Iruka finished off.

The other two gave him considering looks then, as one, shook their heads.

"Nope. That can't be it."

"Saints have that glowing ball thing to backlight them," added Naruto. Suffice it to say, he was an atheist.

"I give up. Help me carry this stuff in."

A minute later they were sitting around the table, stuffing themselves. Iruka was an excellent cook; so good that Naruto actually enjoyed eating healthy. The company wasn't bad either. Anko was loud and abrasive and honest and absolutely wonderful. She got a bad rep for being a student of snake-face just like he was shunned for being a jjinchuuriki. It was nice to know that someone else sort-of understood what he had to deal with. Then there was Iruka, who would always be welcome. The first to see, the first to care and, in the privacy of his own mind, the father he never had.

"Naruto! Chew with your mouth closed!"

_Correction. The mother I never had._

"So, Iruka, how was work?"

He scratched his scar in thought.

"It was alright. Kakashi and Gai were acting strange though." After a moment he amended "Stranger than normal."

"How so?"

Iruka explained the series of events that occurred in the mission room that afternoon and Naruto was suddenly much more curious. 'Staring at him out of the corner of their eyes'; it sounded like the stuff that he was dealing with. Anko apparently thought otherwise.

"Sounds like someone has a crush."

Iruka's face underwent a quick spasm of intense emotion, like a mini-stroke. The idea that 'The Indomitable Maito Gai' and 'porn-addict pervert Hatake Kakashi' were in competition for his heart was obviously too much bad news for his brain to even consider, let alone handle.

"Be nice Anko; that's nothing to joke about. You'll break the mind of the only one of us who can cook if you're not careful."

Iruka snapped back to reality.

"Glad to know I'm loved," he said sardonically.

"Anytime."

"But seriously. What the hell am I supposed to do about this?"

"I don't know but when you find a way to make them back off, could you tell me? I need ideas."

"What's wrong now?"

"It's actually the same problem from earlier, mutated."

"Explain."

Naruto walked both Iruka and Anko through all the events and his own personal observations, using them to back up his inevitable conclusion. By the end, Iruka had the 'concerned but pensive' look on his face. Anko was rolling around on the floor laughing her head off."

"Would . . . have sold . . . my . . . soul to . . . see . . . that fight!"

(HAHAHAAHhahahahahaHAHAHAHAhahHAAHAHAHA!!!!)

"You assume that you still have one to sell," glared Naruto.

". . . white powder?"

"Yep."

"Wonder what that's about."

"My thoughts exactly."

Anko recovered herself and crawled back to the table.

"Just lay low kid. They won't find anything. They may be stupid, but no villager, no matter how angry, is going to blab to a minor while they're under threat of death. And god knows why, but at this point most of the Konoha shinobi actually _like_ you, so they wouldn't spill."

Naruto wasn't god, but he did know why. Back in the day, he used to make a point to prank a ninja every week or so, to keep him on his toes. The jokes were harmless and well thought out so no one got too pissed off. And if there was one thing that ninja valued above all else, it was making fun of their fellow ninja. Some of the first compliments he ever received were indispersed with muffled laughter.

Naruto had lifted the spirits of many and in return, they were grateful. People forget small favors, but they tend to remember the kid who once jerry-rigged a doorway to tar and feather the first person to walk through it (Morino Ibiki had looked like a goose on steroids after that one).

"Anko is right. We'll just sit tight and wait for them to make the next move. It could be that they're just curious about something completely innocuous and we're jumping to conclusions."

"What about that thing with you and the jounin-sensei's?"

"Yeah, you gonna get married or what?"

"I," Iruka said, sending a half-hearted glare at Anko, "will follow my own advice. They can only keep this up for so long."

Anko giggled and turned back to her soup, poking at a large chunk of eggplant.

"Life is never boring with you guys, is it?"

Iruka let out a long suffering sigh.

"No. It never is."

Naruto just grinned and stuffed his mouth with more stir fry.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"This is not working as well as originally anticipated," said Asuma.

"You can say that again. How the hell are we supposed to conduct surveillance on someone who spends most of his day in the mission office?"

"On top of that, I think he may be beginning to suspect something," contributed Kakashi from his sofa.

"Well, if he didn't already, you jumping out a plate glass window might have clued him in."

Once he had arrived back at his apartment Kakashi realized that he had perhaps made an error in judgment. Like the taijutsu master's 'jump reflex', some of his reactions were so ingrained that he didn't even have time to counteract them. Jumping out a window at the first sign of danger/awkward situations was second nature to him. One minute Iruka was giving him the 'hard teacher stare' coupled with 'eyes demanding truth' (the combination making him feel like a five year old who just broke a cookie jar), then the next thing he knew, he was jumping from rooftop to rooftop, wondering why he was so sore and covered in shards of glass.

He went home since he was heading in that direction anyway, then Gai caught up and explained everything to him. After that, Kakashi went to go feed his dogs (who _hadn't_ eaten in a while) since that's what he said he would do. Kakashi was many things, but a liar was not one of them.

Except on missions, because that was work.

And about being late, because that didn't count.

_Oh, and when I'm messing with my students, because it's so much fun._

Now he was sitting on his couch, facing the three other jounin lounging on various other pieces of furniture. They needed a plan of attack that didn't involve hiding behind potted plants, but none of them were really sure how to go about it.

"What we need My Adorable Friends, is a Plan."

_Thank you Gai._

Asuma started off.

"Well, what do we know?"

"Iruka was seven years old when he served on a team under Orochimaru. Sometime the next year, Orochimaru left Konoha and whatever story Iruka and Anko told about the defection and their dead teammate, the Hokage believed," answered Kurenai.

Asuma continued that train of thought.

"How about what we know about him now? He's been teaching at the Academy as far back as I can remember so he probably has a couple friends on staff."

"I don't know. The only person I've ever seen him spend his free-time with is that Naruto kid. Other than that, he's friendly but he keeps to himself."

"Come to think of it, Iruka was the only one who could keep him in line. Could spot rigging for those pranks of his a mile off."

"Do you think Iruka was the one who taught him trapping?"

"I doubt he learned it from scratch. He was the only one who really talked to the kid back then."

"Kakashi, you got anything to add?"

". . . he hates porn."

"Good to know," Kurenai replied sarcastically.

After a moment of introspection, Asuma broke in.

"There's a gap. If we want to know exactly what he's capable of, we need to find out where he was assigned after Orochimaru. We can ask Anko about it. She must have known what division her old teammate was assigned to. And she might actually answer our questions as long as we don't try to get her to talk about her time with Team Orochimaru."

"Right then. Who wants to ask her."

"Have Kakashi do it. He can redeem himself for jumping out the building."

"Hey, Gai did it too," Kakashi complained.

"You started it," retorted Asuma.

"Oh god, you are five years old," said Kurenai, rolling her eyes.

Kakashi resented that, and wondered briefly if she had been reading his mind about the cookie jar thing.

"How am I supposed to bring that up in conversation? You do it; you could pretend you have a crush on him or something."

Kurenai blushed and shot back, "_You_ do it! For all we know he could be gay."

_Pretend to have a crush on Iruka-sensei? _He shivered.

Across town, the hairs on the back of the Academy teacher's neck were raised in sudden, inexplicable fear.

Asuma saved them both.

"Or you could pretend to be talking about Naruto and steer the conversation to Iruka."

"A Most Excellent Idea!!!" exclaimed Gai.

The other three jumped. Since they hadn't heard any grand proclamations in the last five minutes, they sort of forgot he was there.

"Right. We'll meet up back here the day after tomorrow!"

"Good luck Kakashi!"

"But -"

"Bye!" Kurenai waved as she held open the door. Asuma and Gai had launched themselves out of their chairs and dashed through, and not a second later, she had followed them out.

_Dammit, they escaped. I'll have to remember to tie them down the next time._

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**a maiko is a type of apprentice geisha**

**Next Chapter: the rookies meet Naruto's neighbor and the jounin get billed for destruction of property.**


	6. Appartment Hunting

**This is a slightly shorter chapter but I'll make it up in the next; promise ******

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Apartment Hunting

"Hey there good looking. You want me to show you a good time?" the woman leaned forward, exposing her cleavage. Her breath smelled of sake and her overdone makeup was so heavily applied, it might as well have been face-paint. Her lips were twisted in a horrible parody of a smile.

Rock Lee backed away. Gai-sensei's ample lectures on life and respect and relationships had failed to cover hookers. He held up his hands and made pacifying gestures, as if he was dealing with a crazy person.

Considering the source, it was a bit ironic.

The rest of the genin watched on as Lee tried, desperately, to extricate himself from the situation. They had decided to travel in a group instead of just sending out one or two people out to make observations. After the meeting on Thursday, they had all been much too curious to miss out on such a great opportunity and the decision was only re-enforced when they realized that Naruto's apartment was located in deep the west end.

Growing up with families and, in most cases, entire clans to take care of them, the lives of the rookies had been relatively normal. As ninja, they had been trained from a very young age to kill. But it had seemed more like a big game than anything else, complete with heroes and villains. The chunnin exams and the following 'invasion' was an eye opener, but they were trained well enough that trouncing the competition was, well, child's play. The attack by Sound and Sand was pathetic at best, with a miniscule casualty rate on their part. The Sandaime had been the real target; Konoha was hurt, but not down for the count. Not by a long shot.

The rookies were starting to understand what it meant to be a ninja. None of them had even been to the west end before, despite the fact that it was a major part of the village. They were ready, eager, to start learning about the realities outside their sheltered lives.

The reality of west end was like getting slapped in the face with a fish.

"I-I cannot take you up on your M-Most Generous offer, we are on a Mission of F-Friendship!" Lee explained, sketching a quick bow then turning to hide behind an amused Neji.

The prostitute advanced and Lee let out a small squeak as the Hyuuga took a quick step to the left, leaving him wide open.

_HAHAHA!!! Revenge Is Mine! Teach you to hug me in front of other people!_

The hooker was toe-to-toe with Lee. She leaned over him gave him a well practiced leer.

"Don't worry 'bout it handsome. Just come see me, anytime you're free. Half-off discount for first-timers." She winked and tucked a card for 'Mimi's High Class, Absolutely Legit. Escort Service' into his belt and sauntered off.

The combination of beet-red skin, leaf-green spandex, and drop-dead-orange legwarmers was a sight to see.

"I want to go home," he said in a very small voice.

Tenten rolled her grabbed him by the collar, hauling him off in the direction of the apartment.

"Pull yourself together, we didn't come this far just to turn tail and run."

"If this place is where Naruto grew up, no wonder he's so weird."

Kiba, staring at a passing (six foot tall, well built) cross-dresser, nodded his head in agreement.

"Tell me about it. Did you see that store we passed a bout a block ago? The one with all those jumpsuits hanging in the window? His orange jacket is actually tame in comparison."

The 'store' was actually the thrift shop where Naruto had gotten his original outfit years before. The whole color association plan had gone off without a hitch. It worked so well that even his teammates, who were at this very moment heading to his apartment, didn't notice him as he walked right past them on his way to the market. Naruto stopped and stared for a moment. He may be disguised, but they stuck out like sore thumbs.

_What are they doing here?_

His question was answered in the next moment.

"Hurry up! I'd like to reach Naruto's place before lunch."

Naruto had a choice. He could rush home in time to open the door and invite everyone into his embarrassingly humble abode (assuming they all fit) and sit awkwardly on the couch as they interrogated him under the guise of casual conversion. Or he could ignore them and continue on his way, hoping they left by the time he came back. It wasn't a hard choice; he walked on.

Sasuke turned his head. He thought he saw a hint of blonde hair out of the corner of his eye, but he might have just imagined it.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"This can't be right, there are too many zeroes," Asuma frowned.

"The desk you 'accidentally' fire to was a priceless relic from the founding of Fire Country. The first official declaration of independence was signed on its surface, as well as the first declaration of war."

"Then what was it doing in the archive office?" asked Kurenai.

"Gathering dust; it's not like anyone really cares about historical pieces of crap."

"And this here, did you really have to replace the entire roof?"

"Yes. Gai dented one of the support arches. We've got to remove everything and start from scratch." She carefully neglected to mention the fact that whatever had caused the gauges that had littered the plaster ceiling had also probably bent the arch.

". . . Hokage-sama, I don't think we'll be able to pay for this," said Asuma, running some quick calculations in his head.

"Nonsense! I've just had Iruka here go over all your bank statements and it turns out, between the four of you, you can just manage to pay the bill!"

". . . that is wonderful news, Hokage-sama," said Gai, going for enthused but coming out depressed.

Tsunade gave them a wide smile, like a shark would a fish.

"Yes, isn't it? Incidentally, you're all broke." All four heads of the jounin drooped in concert.

"And Kakashi?" The copy-nin lifted his head.

"We were a still a little short so we sold your apartment. You stuff is boxed up and waiting for you in the mission office. Good luck finding another place."

". . . but I'm broke."

"Ah yes. Well in that case, just good luck."

Iruka, filing paperwork off to the side, stiffed a snort. He knew it was beyond mean - it was inhumane taking a man's apartment, his sanctuary, out from under him. But it was just so much fun.

_Besides, he started it._

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Here it is, Apartment 35c."

The others looked at the door uncertainly. It was a rather intimidating, solid metal and triple padlocked. Sakura lifted her hand to knock.

"He's not here you know."

As a group, the ninja whipped around to face the familiar speaker. She had changed into a pair of shorts and a shirt, but kept the fishnet stockings and knee-high leather boots. She had also removed the brown wig and makeup, revealing spiky snow white hair and the face of an angel.

"How you doing handsome?"

Lee went into shock, pointing a shaking finger at her and mumbling in incoherent horror.

Mimi enjoyed messing with people. _It's just so much fun!_

"You guys friends of Naruto?"

Seeing an opportunity to get some answers, Shikamaru didn't hesitate to answer.

"Yes. Is he home?"

"No. And he isn't going to be back for a while; you can grab some tea while you wait." She opened the door wider and motioned them into a cozy living room. Tenten had to drag Lee again, but eventually they were all in and settled around a large oak tea-table.

"So what brings you all the way out here? It's not exactly a popular tourist destination," she asked as she blew over the surface of the liquid in an effort to cool it.

"We wanted to ask Naruto about his family and, since we've never actually seen where he lived we figured 'why not'?"

Ino was a good liar. The trick was to include just enough truth that people were inclined to believe you. But Mimi was a 'professional', if she couldn't sense a deliberate omission she would have gone out of business a long time ago. Being the polite woman she is, she kept the little deception in mind but didn't call them on it.

"Naruto hasn't got any family. He's an orphan, from way back before he even moved in."

"Yes, but did he ever mention what happened to them? Or maybe if he had any relatives -"

"He doesn't," Mimi cut her off.

The others were taken aback but Sakura, fed up with the stonewalling they got from everyone else, refused to beg off.

"What happened to his parents then?"

"Ask your friend."

"I'm asking you."

Mimi gave her a long, considering look before grabbing a pack of cigarettes from the side table and lighting one.

"Naruto was born on a bad day."

She paused, considering how to explain without giving anything away.

_What did Iruka-san phrase it? Oh yes, now I remember._

"His mother, Naoko, lived in one of the small villages just north of here. Her husband was a metal smith. He became one of the civilian casualties of a missing ninja turned bandit about a month before she was due to give birth."

Shikamaru frowned; there was no village to the north.

"She gave birth to a healthy baby boy on October 10th. It was the same day the demon nine-tail fox attacked."

The silence was absolute as the genin hung on to every word. She sucked in another breath of smoke and exhaled through her nose.

"It came from the north and farming villages there were helpless against such overwhelming power. Naoko managed to escape the wholesale slaughter of her village and ran in the direction of Konoha. Two miles outside of town she was overtaken by a pack of lesser fox demons, which had been leased upon the forest by the Kyuubi."

"Her body was found some time later that day, her arms wrapped tightly around her infant son. He was, miraculously, still alive."

Sasuke frowned. "But that doesn't explain the villager's hatred."

Mimi shrugged and very carefully pointed out, "Thousands of people lost their lives that day, including the beloved Fourth Hokage. A kid from a poor family in the north, the only child to be born in the whole of Fire Country on that day, was a convenient scapegoat. People accosciated him with the demon and, well, superstition and hatred aren't exactly famous for being rational, you know? The Third saw what was happening but couldn't do much to quell the tide of animosity that rose up after that."

She shrugged in apparent disappointment.

"After a few attempts on the kid's life, he made a law. No one was allowed to talk about the events of that day, in the hope that the villagers wouldn't pass on their hatred to the next generation. The penalty for talking depends on the violation, but since it _could _be punishable by death, there hasn't really been a major problem with it."

_Truth with lies. Pay attention blondie, a master's at work!_

The group sipped their tea quietly, absorbing the new information.

"So neither of his parents were ninja?" asked Sasuke

Mimi frowned.

"No, why?"

"No reason."

Sasuke processed that.

_Not a bloodline limit then._ Whatever Naruto had, it was unique to him. That settled it; they had to talk to Iruka. If the red-chakra was something Naruto on his own, Iruka would probably know about it. And how he did it. He'd also know where Naruto learned to make traps. That itself was a formidable ninja skill, at least in Naruto's hands. _Give him some nin-wire, a couple kunai, and a pair of toe-nail clippers and he could take out a platoon of enemy bandits _he thought, remembering their mission to wave.

Mimi gave him a considering look.

"You should talk to him if you've got questions. Naruto has enough problems without people going behind his back."

"We would, but he won't talk about his past."

"'Won't talk' or 'hasn't been asked'?"

Sasuke frowned. This . . . scarlet woman was way too perceptive.

"Come back when you can answer that question. I'm just his next door neighbor, but it seems to me that I know him better than any of you."

Sasuke glared harder but had no rebuttal. The truth was she was right. Sasuke was his best friend. Naruto had even called him his brother, a word that neither boy took lightly. But he had never asked Naruto about his past. He had never even cared; it simply didn't occur to him that Naruto, optimistic ball of hyperactive energy that he was, would have a troubled past. But this, this went beyond troubled. _What was it like; growing up knowing the world hated him? _

_And how does Iruka-sensei fit into all of this?_

Mimi looked on as the rest of Naruto's little friends made small talk. The boy, the Uchiha, was lost in a world of introspection.

_The cover story I gave won't hold up forever but at least I made them think. With any luck, the kid will get through this with his little groups of friends intact._

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Kakashi walked out of the Hokage Tower in a daze, carrying one of the eight neatly packed boxes that were waiting for him in the mission office. This one contained clothes; he grabbed it since they were probably the most essential thing right now, besides food and shelter (which he _didn't have_).

It had the added benefit of being lighter.

He met up with team seven for the late practice he'd promised them yesterday and attempted to explain why he was two hours late. It would have been funny if it weren't happening to him.

"Hn," Sasuke snorted. "Like we're going to believe that; it's your most ridiculous excuse yet."

"Really sensei, what do you take us for? Idiots?"

Naruto remained uncharacteristically quiet as he contemplated the box.

"And I suppose you'll want us to foot the bill for al the team meals now that 'you're broke'. Ha, good one."

"How did you even manage to make jounin?"

"Want to crash on my couch 'til you get back on your feet?"

That last one was from Naruto and, god help him, he did. He was going to be totally dependant on the people around him until he got his next paycheck but, after carefully cultivating a reputation for being a lazy mooch who never pays back money that's loaned to him, he was encountering setbacks.

"Aa, Naruto. Thank you for the offer. How did you know?"

"I recognized Iruka-sensei's packing job."

"Ah, yes. He was kind enough to box my things." _Before emptying my bank account and selling my apartment to the highest bidder. It was really very thoughtful of him in an evil sort of way. I don't know how we missed that he was a student of Orochimaru; he obviously has twisted diabolical tendencies._

"You mean you're actually homeless?"

Sakura was equally gob-smacked but for different reasons.

"You mean you're actually telling the truth?!"

"Hey! I am nothing if not honest."

Kakashi's pronouncement was met with three blank stares.

"When the occasion calls for it."

"Haven't you ever heard the Story of the Boy-Who-Cried-Wolf?"

"Is it anything like the Tale of the Wolf Ninja of Snow Country?"

"I'll take that as a no."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"So who's this?"

"Hey Mimi. This is Hatake Kakashi; he's my jounin sensei."

"Pleased to meet you," Kakashi held out the hand that wasn't currently holding the box.

"You that guy that Iruka is always complaining about? The one with the porn?"

". . . yes?"

"Ha. I'd have thought you'd be fatter."

Kakashi let the hand drop and looked down at himself. _Yep, still as skinny as a rail. _

He turned back to the woman, pointedly _not_ drooling at the sight of her lovely . . . face.

"Why?"

"The pervs I deal with at work usually are. Maybe there's just something wrong with them."

Naruto lifted his head, pausing in his attempt to lever open the second lock (it was a bit rusty) and added his two cents.

"Mimi, they're paying for sex. Of course there's something wrong with them."

Kakashi's one visible eye widened.

"You're a . . . a -"

He tried to come up with a polite word for prostitute.

"Hooker?"

That was not it. _Thank you, Naruto._

"A 'Lady of the Night'," he finished; half in correction, half in question.

"I'm really more of a morning person," she smiled.

"He means 'do people pay you to bump uglies?'" Naruto clarified earnestly.

Kakashi blushed. _I'm__ blushing! That's how awkward this conversion is. This boy will be the death of me._

"Oh yeah; all the time. It's a great way to make a living."

Naruto perked up. "Really?"

_No. Nonononono. NO! This is not happening._

Some of his mortally crippling horror must have shown on (what was left of) his face because 'Mimi' took one look at him, laughed, and shooed him into the now open apartment door.

"I'm only messing with you Hatake-san. Didn't realize it would be so easy. I don't hang out with many normal people, just Naruto here really."

"Hey!"

"How long are you staying?"

"Until I get enough money for another apartment; probably a month or so. And please, call me Kakashi."

"Right. It was nice to meet you Kakashi. I'll be next door if you need anything; don't hesitate to knock. See ya 'round!"

And before he could even raise his hand to wave good-bye, she was gone.

Naruto called out from the bedroom.

"Don't have extra sheets but these are good blankets and I've even got this quilt that Inari's family sent over from wave."

He held it up for inspection; it had a dolphin pattern on it.

"That's fine. At this point I'd sleep in a puddle of mud."

"Long day?"

"The longest."

Naruto nodded and left without further comments, which Kakashi was eternally grateful for. He leaned back on the surprisingly soft couch and closed his eyes.

He very carefully did not think about an angelic face framed by messy snow white hair and when he finally fell asleep, there were no dreams.

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**Mimi is going to be a recurring character in the plot (**_**not **_**as Kakashi's long lost relative), being one of the 'original four' who accepted Naruto (others: Sarutobi, Iruka, Itachi). **

**Speaking of Itachi, his story going to come back into play, starting with the next chapter. He's still a bit crazy, but you get an insight into his motivations.**

**As for the relationship between the Fourth and Naruto, it begins and ends on the night of the sealing. I don't want the relationships he has with the adults around him confused with their love of the dead Hokage. Like I said before, (this version of) Naruto **_**earned**_** every connection he has; he is not following in his father's footsteps so much as making his own path; the fact that he comes from a family of farmers and tradesmen just make it that much more admirable.**


	7. Why it’s Usually Better to Sleep In

**Warning: I'm basing the story on the fact that Itachi and Kisame never tried to kidnap Sasuke before he left, which is why Sasuke wasn't so obsessed with revenge at the Valley of the End and was able to see reason and re-prioritize.**

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Why it's Usually Better to Sleep In

"Rise and Shine Sleepyhead!"

_Gai?_

_No. Naruto._

Kakashi groaned and burrowed deeper into his cocoon of blankets. He really wasn't awake yet and maybe, just maybe, if he pretended to be sufficiently dead to the world his student would leave him alone.

He heard footsteps approaching and a moment later the blankets were ripped ruthlessly from his grasping fingers.

"Yeah right! You can't fool a future Hokage that easily!"

No such luck. It looked like his fortune was determined to fail him. Flying in the face of all reason (and certainly, all mercy) Naruto was a morning person. Kakashi was decidedly not.

"Hmpth."

He rolled over a curled into a ball, trying to block out the light coming from the suspiciously bright floor lamp in the corner.

"Come on. I've seen you take down enemy ninja without even blinking. Now here you are, curled up in a ball, flinching away from light like some sort of traumatized vampire!"

"I don' like 't."

"Don't like what?"

"Mornin'," Kakashi answered succinctly, curling tighter.

"It's not morning; won't be for another hour" his tone suddenly turned dead serious. "There's something important you should be made aware of."

That got his attention. He jumped up in a ready defensive position. If Naruto woke him up in the middle of the night to tell him 'something important' there had to be something very wrong. He crouched in a defensive position; muscles strung tense and ready for action.

Naruto, clad only in a single pair of sky-blue boxers, smirked.

"Knew that would work." Kakashi just looked at him in non-comprehension. Naruto sought to clarify.

"Responding to the serious thing. I'm never serious, therefore if I am there must be something horribly, horribly wrong."

Blank stare.

"I thought it might make you would get up, and it worked," Naruto tried to point out defensively. "You needed to; breakfast is in ten minutes."

Kakashi was not entirely sure how to react. Homicidal rage seemed inappropriate. _This is Naruto. Naruto is one of his precious people. He will not kill Naruto because Naruto is one of his precious people. And this is Naruto. He will not kill him._

_What about maim?_

No. Naruto might not be so generous with his couch if he found himself suddenly missing an arm. Which left just the one option: grit his teeth and bare it. As soon as he got paid for the next mission he was out of here but until then he couldn't afford to be picky. Literally.

He looked up to Naruto to find him backing slowly towards the nearest available exit.

_Smart kid._

He straightened up and lightened his expression, making the conscious shift between 'stealth ninja assassin' to 'lazy ninja instructor' in the blink of an eye. Naruto seemed to take that as a good sign and gave him a small smile.

"Honestly sensei I would have let you sleep in but Mimi cooks for me during the weekdays. You really don't want to miss this."

Kakashi sighed but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. As Naruto ran back into his room to get dressed the jounin bent down and started to fold the blankets that he scattered in his panic.

"Nice ass."

Ah yes, Mimi.

Kakashi ignored the comment and, save for the slight widening of his original eye, failed to react. Naruto had apparently left the front door open and Mimi, being the crass, irreverent hooker she was, decided to have some fun. He had been thrown off balance last night, but not today. Today he was prepared; he wasn't known as one of the biggest perverts in Konoha for nothing.

"Why thank you ma'am," he said as he finished the last comforter, turning to grin at the unlikely intruder.

"Stop being gross Mimi, he's on to you," said Naruto as he re-entered the room in the same blue boxers and a black shirt. He apparently had a loose definition of the word 'dressed'. "Is it ready yet?"

"Yep; breakfast at 4:20 sharp! Bacon needs another minute but you may as well go in."

"Right. Come on Kakashi-sensei, it's just right next door," said Naruto, grabbing Kakashi's hand and dragging him into the apartment on the other side of the hall.

It was twice as big as the blonde's and well decorated. In the center of the living room sat a low table, simple with highly polished wood. It stood flanked by two couches and an eclectic collection of chairs and extra cushions, arranged in a sort of circle. That and the dirty set of tea cups sitting on the table suggested recent guests. Naruto glanced at the layout but seemed to ignore it in favor of the smells emanating from the kitchen. The copy-nin felt another tug on his sleeve and dutifully followed his charge into the kitchen.

He ducked past the swinging door and entered the room. Upon which, he encountered a surprise.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Iruka was awakened by a loud pounding on his front door. It was to the tune of a popular rock song so he knew immediately who it must be. Only one person would be insane enough to pull this kind of stunt at four-fifteen in the morning. So he dragged himself out of bed and, levering his body out through his bedroom doorway, endeavored to rub the sleep out of his eyes as he groped blindly for the door knob.

"Hello Anko."

"Hi!" grinned the snake-bitch, holding out a cup that smelled suspiciously like coffee about an inch away from his face. Assuming it was a peace offering he grabbed the cup and waved her in.

As his far too perky friend mad herself at home he took a sip of the brew. Then he wrinkled his nose in confusion

_Is coffee supposed to be crunchy?_

"Its coffee grounds, you dork. I don't have a coffeemaker."

He stumbled towards the kitchen, trying to wipe the grit off his tongue.

"Why not?"

"Hmm?" she looked up from fiddling with one of the antique kunai he displayed on his bookcase.

"Coffeemaker," he re-iterated from the other room, pouring the grounds into a filter. "Why don't you have one?"

"Because I use yours," she explained slowly, as if to a five-year old. "Except for that one time in the Administration Office break room."

Iruka very carefully did not smile. Anko on LSD had been a sight to see.

"Yeah yeah," she groused. "I know the little terror was behind that one but I bet you knew about it. Still banned from singing in public by the way."

"Not really a tragedy," shrugged Iruka, coming back to the main room with two steaming mugs of coffee.

"Asshole."

If anyone else had called Umino Iruka, beloved teacher of children and filer of reports, an asshole the village would probably be talking about it for weeks. It was like saying that Ibiki had a soft spot for kittens. It just wasn't right. But no one aside from the crazies were awake at such an ungodly hour. And Anko knew Iruka well enough to understand that while he was kind and gentle and a beloved teacher of little brats everywhere, he was devious bastard when he wanted to be.

"So," said Iruka, taking careful sips of the hot drink. "What do you want?"

"Uchiha's back in town."

Iruka raised his eyebrows. "He never left."

"No not chicken-butt, the other one."

"Ah."

"Ah? That's all you have to say? Uchiha Itachi is back in Fire Country and you sit back and say 'Ah'. No wonder they rejected your application to the intelligence division."

Iruka frowned. "You got it backwards. They asked me and I turned them down."

"You were almost recruited into intelligence?"

"Yes. Apparently I'm the only person in Konoha who has any."

"Ha ha. But seriously; Itachi. Talk about heavy stuff; what are you going to tell Naruto?"

"I'm going to tell him Itachi is back in Fire Country. That is, if he doesn't know already."

"What?" Anko frowned in confusion.

"Well," said Iruka as he got up and pulled on his coat over his pajamas, "If Itachi is in Fire Country, there's actually a pretty good chance I know where he is. And since Kakashi-san lost his apartment, went bankrupt, and slept on Naruto's couch last night, there's an even better chance that everybody's favorite pervert-sensei will have a surprise encounter with two missing-nin at the breakfast table this morning."

Iruka casually looked at his wristwatch as he headed out the door.

"Which is why I'm heading out to do damage control before all hell breaks loose. In about five minutes, to be precise."

His watch was five minutes slow.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

For the second time that morning, Kakashi's ninja reflexes went on full alert.

"Oh dear, was I supposed to keep you guys a secret?"

Mimi was a bit slow to catch on.

The copy-nin was preparing to charge the chidori when he noticed Naruto who, far from fleeing in terror, was actually smiling.

At Itachi.

_Who was smiling back._

". . . the hell?"

"Don't worry Kakashi-sensei; he's on our side."

"Course I am. Like I'd try to kill the kid who introduced me to ramen.

"What -"

"I know. Can you believe it? Never ate anything unhealthy until I met the little demon."

"But -"

"Here sweetie, have some bacon," suggested Mimi, observing the jounin's distress.

Shocked beyond belief and confused beyond mortal comprehension, the jounin was extraordinarily open to suggestion. Running on automatic, he plucked a piece of bacon from the proffered plate and jerkily walked over to a chair that Itachi (_Itachi!_) had pulled out for him. He still held the bacon aloft, as if it were a sacred talisman capable of warding off the particular brand of chaos that seemed to revolve around Naruto.

It was ineffective.

"So," said the blonde genin from across the kitchen table. "I should probably explain."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Iruka, start making sense," Anko commanded as she ran after her ex-teammate.

Iruka made a quick seal with his hands – one of the stealth jutsus; used for passing along sensitive information. Her morning just got a hell of a lot more interesting.

"Uchiha Itachi is one of our deep cover agents in an organization of s-class missing-nin called the Atasuki. They started recruiting him about a year after he joined ANBU so when Orochimaru tried to frame him for the murder of his clan, the Hokage saw an opportunity and took it."

"Orochimaru? But -"

"He wanted the bloodline but it has to be willing otherwise the transfer or it doesn't last much longer than a couple of days. No sharingan user would ever betray their clan for him; they were respected, even revered, by their family and the village. But if there was no family, just a lonely kid consumed with thoughts of revenge and desire for power. . ."

"Sasuke."

"It almost worked too. But then there was Naruto."

"Like anyone could anticipate Naruto."

"Got that right. I was so proud of him when he managed to break through Sasuke's shell; then actually become his best friend. Who'd have thought! I thought I would cry when they came back through that gate, limping and using each other as crutches."

"Girl. Get back to Itachi."

Iruka stopped, shot her a look, and then sped up.

"Anyway, Itachi comes home that evening and sees the bloodbath. He runs straight to the Hokage tower to report and that's when the Sandaime comes up with the master plan. Jiraya had reported rumors about the Atasuki starting to get organized earlier so he decided to send Itachi deep under cover so that his family's death wouldn't be a complete waste. Two hours later and Itachi is running his brother through Tsukuyomi to cement the cover story."

"Jesus. His own brother."

"Itachi is ninja in the way that all Uchiha were made to be. There is no emotion, only the mission. Except . . ."

"Except?"

"Naruto."

"Figures. When is that brat not in the thick of a village-wide conspiracy?"

Iruka just shook his head and ducked into an apartment building. Naruto's apartment building. It looked like they had arrived.

Anko was shocked, to say the least. Missing-nins at Naruto's? Itachi a good guy? Iruka leaving home before finishing his coffee? The world should be ending any moment now.

_Then there's the creepy jounin-instructors following Iruka around like lost puppies _she thought to herself, scaling the stairs two by two. _It couldn't be a coincidence that Hatake was staying at the brat's place, could it? Did they suspect something?_

Iruka, several steps ahead of her, ignored the gaping doorway of apartment 35c and turned to his right instead.

_Oh great, just what we need. Mimi._

With a particular feeling whispering across the back of her neck (the one she most commonly associated with impending disaster) she continued to follow Iruka, right through to the kitchen. The sight that greeted her was one that would be forever burnt into her mind, right up there with the time she accidentally walked in on the Legendary Toad Sannin taking a bubble bath.

Uchiha Itachi was there, sitting at the table with a full plate of eggs, bacon, and hash browns, asking Mimi-the-friendly-neighborhood-prostitute if she had any ketchup. A seven foot tall . . . shark man (for lack of a better description) was sitting on the other side of the kitchen table, digging into a huge stack of pancakes drenched in syrup. He wasn't even stopping to breathe. _I suppose gills must be useful for more than swimming._

Naruto was sitting next to him, dwarfed by the massive figure. The boy appeared to be explaining that the infamous Uchiha sitting just to the right of his sensei was not so much a 'clan-massacring-killing-machine' as a 'loyal-servant-of-Konoha' with a really unfortunate reputation. Or more accurately, attempting to explain.

Kakashi seemed to have slipped into a sort of disbelieving catatonia. He was sitting in his chair and rocking (ever so slightly) back and forth. He hadn't put anything on his plate but was holding a small piece of bacon aloft, as if it were the only thing keeping the world from falling down around his ears.

_Too late buddy._

The thing about being Naruto's friend is that sooner or later your world got turned on its head.

When Anko first met Iruka she had marveled at his innate ability to make everything around him, not matter how strange, something like normal. It was a stability that she craved in amidst the chaos of her childhood. And for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Naruto was the universe balancing itself out in the most bizarre way she had ever seen.

Since becoming friends with them she had spun between the two extremes; her world changing constantly with each new day. It should have been exhausting and annoying and horribly inconvenient but to Anko, none of that mattered. It was like being caught in the swirling winds of a storm; once you lost control you never really wanted it back. In the years that she had known Iruka and Naruto she had come to love them as her closest friends and greatest confidants. They were her family when everyone else refused to even talk to her.

Over time that family had grown. A young ANBU captain bound by his family's expectations, burdened by the lives he had taken. A beautiful woman hiding behind a mask of paint, selling everything but her soul. A Hokage, who had survived at all costs only to find he had outlived all but a few.

And now a jounin floating through life, hiding the persistent, all consuming fear that the people he loved would leave him.

_Welcome to my world Hatake, and hold on tight. We ride the whirlwind._

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Kakashi held tightly to his piece of bacon and watched the two newcomers as they sat down at the table. Mimi also decided to take a seat, wedging herself between Itachi and his blue-skinned partner. Both had worn heavy black cloaks with a stylized red cloud design but the Uchiha had shed his in deference to the heat from the nearby stove. It hung over the back of his chair.

Naruto had explained the matching outfit – something to do with standard uniforms for an organization called Atasuki. Apparently, like every good secret society of megalomaniacs, their goal was world domination. These particular bad guys were something to worry about since the group was composed of s-class and kage-level missing-nins. They also wanted to harness the power of the nine great biju to achieve their goals, which made Naruto an unfortunate target.

In a _fortunate_ turn of chance, Itachi had been chosen to pursue 'the mysterious nine-tails vessel' with his partner, Kisame. They had become reasonably good friends after spending several years together and each considered the other a sort of kindred spirit, which made it incredibly easy for the Uchiha to convince the sword user to turn traitor and become Konoha's second spy within the organization. That the current Hokage had no idea that either of them were actually working for her was a small technical detail they had set out to correct.

Apparently, after being given their mission by the 'leader', they immediately set out on a year long bar-hopping, hot springs lazing, adventure. 'Research on the identity of the mysterious nine-tails vessel' Itachi had informed Kakashi with his trademark deadpan face. The two outlaws were working their way through a bottle of tequila in a village in Wind Country when they got news that the Sandaime had died. Since the only people that were in on the ultra-secret plan (therefore knew of his innocence) were the Sandaime, the clerk on duty that night (a young chunnin named Umino Iruka), and Orochimaru (who had been hypnotized and made to forget his involvement early on), they decided to drop in and introduce themselves to the new leadership to make sure everyone was good and briefed. They didn't feel like getting taken out by friendly shinobi for doing their job _too_ well.

Being the elite ninja that they were they had no trouble infiltrating the village, utilizing a heavy transformation technique Itachi had learned from Naruto. Kakashi remembered that Naruto was really only proficient in one transformation technique and kept his mouth shut. He couldn't imagine the big one as a female but the Uchiha all dolled up was way too easy to picture. _He might not even need 'sexy no jutsu', just a dress and some eyeliner._

In need of a place to let down the disguises and rest but at the same time universally recognizable and utterly despised, Itachi made for the one sanctuary he remembered from his past. Back in the day, when he still had guard duty for Naruto, Mimi was a regular fixture in his life. Often times they hung out at her place, relaxing into a nice a game of Go as they took turns trying to explain the rules to a young Naruto. It was a way to pass the time; after the second week it had gotten around that _he_ was the one doing the guarding and the villagers had pretty much stopped attacking after that. Mimi was like the big sister he never had; teaching him about music, cooking (and burning) snacks for him, trying to give him the talk (never actually finishing; he usually jumped out the nearest window three sentences in – much in the same manner as Kakashi). He was even the reason the early morning breakfasts started, ready for him as he got on shift each day at 4:20 sharp.

Kisame and Itachi had arrived yesterday to find a tired looking Mimi starting to clean up after a group of guests. Upon seeing the odd duo in the doorway she dropped what she was doing and ran to hug them. They let her, despite the personal bubble that all ninja maintain obsessively.

She was a very pretty woman.

Mimi had then proceeded to push them into the guest room and shove towels and blankets and soap at them until their arms were full. She then stuck a toothbrush in each mouth for good measure and informed them that Naruto was coming over for breakfast tomorrow morning so they better be on their best behavior. Her absolute refusal to be the littlest bit afraid of two s-class missing-nins such as themselves was . . . refreshing. They had dealt with the currency of fear for too long.

So here they were, as large (and larger) than life. Sitting around a crowded table, fighting over who gets the last sausage.

Kakashi sighed. _What happed to the world I used to live in?_

"Hey Kisame, pass the syrup."

"Get your own squirt. This one's mine."

"The whole bottle? Come on!"

"What can I say, I've got a sweet tooth," Kisame ginned, exposing row after row of razor sharp teeth in a move calculated to scare him off. Naruto just snorted.

"Oohh. Scary."

Kisame frowned. "I'll eat you if you don't shut up."

"No you won't; I'm sugar-free."

The shark man laughed loud and long. "Ha! I knew I liked you kid!"

Further down the table:

"So let me get this straight, you turned down a job at the intelligence division?"

Anko had a knack for focusing in on the most important bit of news.

Iruka rolled his eyes. "Of course I did. I like teaching children."

"I like carving my eyes out with a fork."

"I'm serious! It's a very rewarding career!"

"If you ransom the suckers off."

"Just because your mind is twisted beyond doesn't mean everyone's else is."

"It's called thinking outside the box."

"Odd how the 'thought' part doesn't actually come into the equation."

Then off to his right:

"Here Itachi, have a biscuit."

"I'm fine Mimi."

"Nonsense. You should eat more; you're skin and bones! What do they feed you at that place?"

". . . the secret underground lair?"

"What, you have a public underground lair?"

"No. And nothing. We each cook for ourselves."

"Oh no! No wonder."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, it's just that you're a horrible cook."

"Am not."

"It's alright Itachi, cooking just isn't your thing. I'm sure there's something you're good at."

_There is only so much insanity you can take, _reflected Kakashi, _before it takes you._

He looked on as the gathered shinobi (and hooker) of Konoha sat and indulged in good natured bickering over the breakfast table. The collection was a strange one, to say the least, but they seemed to fit together in some odd sort of way. Then it hit him. This was a family of people who had no family.

And I think I belong here. What's worse, I don't think I mind belonging here.

I think I _like_ belonging here.

Kakashi began to come out of his trance, dropping the bacon onto his plate.

_I can't let anyone get close because I'll loose them again - but it's too late. Naruto slipped right through every defense I set up. And Mimi; last night I knew I liked her the moment I met her; she's not just another pretty face. And then there's Iruka, who seems normal enough on the surface but I wouldn't be surprised if he knew every deep, dark secret Konoha has to offer – especially after this._

He knew it was only going to get weirder. At 4:20 a.m. life as he knew if flew out the window. He stopped trying to get it back.

_Oh well; I was getting bored anyway._

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**Next up: Kakashi, Naruto, and Kisame get the talk. Itachi narrowly escapes.**


	8. coming soon

Surprise!

Guess who's going to start writing again?

Thanks to the dynamic new reviews I've been getting I've decided to pick up the story again. Thank you to all those who lobbied to get me to start again; your kind words made all the difference.

A warning though: I'm going to tweak it a bit to fit with the new and improved plot, so anyone who wants to keep the changes written down somewhere has to copy this down by the end of the week.


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